He’s arrived, all right. In California.

Mr. Harvard showed up with such an impact and a quickness I haven’t experienced in a long time. It made me write something pretty profound which you can read here.

We met online, of course.  First – the standard few dinner dates. We were polite and followed all the rules. He was a gentleman. I was a lady. We exchanged questions about our jobs and funny childhood stories.

And then one night after another fabulous dinner date at a trendy spot in Los Angeles where you had to call ahead for reservations to snag one of just a few small tables, it happened.

I was done doing the polite stuff and wanted to put us in a “normal” environment. The wining and dining was nice but we were ready to progress to the next level.

So we ended up back at my place and talked and talked and cuddled and did everything except our plan to watch some Oscar screeners my co-worker let me borrow.

(For those of you not in show biz, “screeners” are the actual Oscar nominated movies on DVD that people who are in the show biz unions get to vote on.  Either way, it’s a privilege to get to see these movies when they aren’t yet out on DVD and some are still in theaters. But if you’ve been here more than 5 minutes, you most likely know someone who has a copy.)

By Sunday morning, the sun rose on a new day and also on a very new shift in our “relationship.” I use that word, although in air quotes, because between dinner on Friday and Sunday night we had spent the whole weekend together.

He cancelled a date he had planned with someone else that Saturday. (He admitted he never did that but wanted to spend it with me instead. We had had a major breakthrough and didn’t want it to end.)

I made a few phone calls/texts myself to “dead” other people I was seeing and you can read about that here.

We were excited and giddy and SO COMFORTABLE. It was so early, but SO COMFORTABLE.

We had gone from stiff and polite people who were dating, to weird and silly and vulnerable and honest and very REAL people that we are, which was easy and never contrived. We would laugh so hard and state into each other’s eyes even harder and just smile.

We were super touchy-feely all the time and that worked out well when I told him my top Love Language was “Physical Touch.” He was happy to oblige and he enjoyed the reciprocation from me.

Something like that is rare and hard to find with another.

I had found some of this with Mr. Vegas, but what was missing from him (ambition, career success, financial stability), Mr. Harvard brought in spades (an investor in real estate, a recent promotion as an engineer at his job, six-figure income). And a brand new Prius. Which made him lose points, actually…

Sorry. I can’t stand those ugly cars! Which I told him a few weeks later and it made him want to re-consider his purchase…lol. #granola

He was also almost the same age as me, a guy in his 30s who made me feel like I needed to step my game up, to get closer to HIS level, a welcome and refreshing change from many of the other people I’ve met over the years whose main mode of transportation came from riding the struggle bus. I sure am nowhere near owning an income property in another state…he made me aspire to do more!

For the next several weeks we saw each other a lot. During the week once or twice and then all weekends together.

It felt amazing to click with someone so well.

We did everything, too…

Fun stuff like a beach day in Malibu.

Furniture shopping for his new place he’d just moved into.

Playing basketball at the park and working out at my gym together.

And then we did some major “adulting,” like shopping at Target on a Sunday night because he needed paper towels and a lightbulb for his kitchen.

He had also connected his Bluetooth to my BMW for music and one day I was driving us to lunch and his best friend called. It was weird at first because I didn’t recognize the name that came up on my car’s dashboard. But then it clicked.

It was his roommate from Harvard, his bestie and long time friend who he’d told every detail to about this “amazing women he’s met” and then later would fill me in on their convo. (His friend was “Team Me.”)

But here’s the thing.

Everything we were doing felt like we were in a relationship already. Some of my friends said we basically were.

Only problem?

Mr. Harvard had just arrived to California about 4-5 months ago. He had moved from NYC and had taken a promotion and transferred here to the West Coast.

Ever since that first weekend where he “deaded” his other dates, he still made it clear that we weren’t exclusive but that he wanted us to get to know each other better.

Obviously. That was my plan, too.  It was so early – I still had to get to know this guy!

And I told him frequently that this wasn’t my style and that I was used to dating multiple people at once. If you read my blog, you know this is true.

It was different with him, though.

It was easy to ignore the offers from other guys because he and I were attracted to each other like magnets. He had come along and rocked my world and checked off so many things on my proverbial “list.”

But, we agreed we weren’t ready to “shut it all down” yet.

HOWEVER…

As we spent more and more time together, the conversations didn’t match the casual, take-it-slow vibe we had agreed on.

There was mentions from him about having kids together and how smart (and pretty) they’d be. Mostly in a somewhat jovial manner, but still. A serious topic to bring up so early. (He has no kids but very much wants to be a father some day.)

He invited himself to my upcoming bday trip in July to Maui. I just kinda laughed it off.

“We’re not even exclusively dating!” I said.

During a sweet romantic moment one night, he asked me if I had gotten my passport…he was thinking about taking me on a romantic getaway trip. (His passport is full of stamps…something I very much admired about him.)

He heard me take a call with my son, on Bluetooth in my car. Something VERY sacred for me to share, but he sat quietly listening and smiling as my son and I talked for about 20 minutes.

“Wow,” he said, after I hung up. “He sounds like such an amazing kid…”

Well, he is. 🙂

We also jumped on Zillow and started looking at what properties we could buy here in LA because if we pooled our rents together “we could afford something over $1 million.”

A lot of fun times.

A lot of fantasies.

And a lot of things that eventually made me go, “Hmmm…”

Last weekend we had plans to go to my very good friend’s new restaurant opening with a few of my other very close friends. I had initially invited Mr. Harvard out of excitement and because of the pace of things and the serious conversations we had had over the past few months, I felt it was time for him to meet my friends (something I hardly EVER do so early).

But as that week went on, he avoided my question several times about his plans on that Thursday pm before (he just said he wasn’t available that night) and I realized he had probably had a date.

We’d been brutally (and refreshingly) honest about the other people we were both talking to prior and/or if someone was trying to set something up. But this time he was avoiding me.

That, along with my jarring realization that we were spending relationship-quality time together, saying and doing relationship-quality things (mostly me hearing him live fantasies out loud that left me feeling confused), made me un-invite him to that special dinner and plans to go away for the weekend.

It was too much. And not right!

How could he say and do all those sweet things with me, but still want to meet someone else for a date?

Well, kids, that’s called dating without being exclusive. And it was exactly what he had told me he wanted from the beginning.

Why, you ask? Things were going so well!

I’d agree with you.

But Mr. Harvard had just arrived. He’d just arrived in California and wasn’t expecting to meet “someone like me” so soon after he’d gotten here.

He felt he needed to get more settled first and get into a groove at work still.

And he just wasn’t ready to “shut it all down” yet, which meant although he wasn’t out there in the streets hitting on everything that moved, he did want to have the option to window shop, and I guess, make a purchase if he wanted.

I pissed him off for cancelling our weekend plans last minute.

He pissed me off because he didn’t return my call to hear me at least explain why I was falling back.

Eventually we connected on the phone a few days later. We hashed it out.

He stood firm on how he wasn’t ready to date me exclusively because he’d just arrived, and I stood firm on that I don’t wait for people to just figure it out if they want to be with me, while filling my head with fantasies of everything I’d dreamed of in a partner.

At the end of the day, our timing was off.

He’d arrived, all right. But instead of taking residence in my heart, he chose to keep me at arm’s distance and only arrive in California.

I don’t know what will happen with him.

My friends think he’s an idiot for letting me go.  I partially think he’s scared.

Either way, it makes me sad. I feel rejected in a way, but relieved in another.

As my good friend told me afterwards, “Your right partner will show up ready. Just as you are ready for him.”

Advertisements

Dead it.

For the first time in a long time, I’m cutting people off.

When I hear from people who are just getting into the dating scene one of the most common things they tell me is that they’re not sure how they could date more than one person at a time.
Apparently I’ve become a pro at this and over the years of being single have sort of mastered this idea of dating multiple people at once. (But that definitely doesn’t mean that I’m sleeping with multiple people!)

The idea of dating several people at once is to get a clearer idea of who might be a great fit for you or not. You need time and experiences for that.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” kinda thing. And since dating is partly a numbers game, this strategy makes sense.

Well, until you find a really, really good egg that makes you want to switch things up for a minute.

MAJOR SWITCH-UP ALERT!

I’m about to pull something I haven’t done in probably 5 years…

After an amazing weekend spent with Mr. Harvard (of which I shall need more time to process and write about), I had two guys who have known me for years (and who want to date me now) ask to see me.

These are the responses I gave today (I’m in blue):

This guy above met me when I first moved to Los Angeles 9 years ago. He’s a bank executive AND a fitness model with a six-pack of deliciousness, but he’s pretty terrible at picking up the phone and asking me out for real (this back and forth of “when are we meeting up for coffee?” has been going on for weeks). Next!

This one above is actually The Architect! He’s back for more and wants to build me a house and share our lives together. Sadly, Mr. Harvard and I just met and as you can tell by my super rare response to these fine gentlemen above, it ain’t looking good on any new construction anytime soon.

And I’m not the only one who feels this way! Mr. Harvard told me after Date #3 last Friday that he was about to dead the two other people he’d been seeing.

Ummm, excuse me? “Dead?”

Naturally, I asked what that meant. It’s the following:

Based on our immediate connection and the fireworks show and all that for the last month or so, we ended up on the same page pretty quickly.

So here I am “deading” two guys I was about to consider dating again until Mr. Harvard came in and shook  s%*# up!

Now, you may be saying to yourself “It’s too early to cut other people off!”

You might be right.

But then again, I might be right, too…!

Guess we’ll see. 🙂

Could it be the beginning of the end???

It’s been almost two months since we met. 

And before we knew it, we went from strangers to soul ties and never stopped to ask for directions along the way. Talking and vibing and making grand plans. Holding eye contact for the longest not to look at our faces but to really see each other. Like from some Avatar “I see you” kinda stuff. The reciprocation was felt in his eyes and the feeling was far more than just attraction. 

You see, the road to love is paved with hurdles and road bumps and detours and unnecessary traffic jams. Or maybe it’s actually necessary traffic because it sure helped to recognize this one special driver when a certainly special algorithm introduced us. 

And for the first time in a long time I didn’t stop to question it or hold back or wait because, I knew. I just knew.  

He’d arrived.  

Mr. Vegas – Part II

(If you haven’t read Part I, go there now.)

I opened the door to the hotel room and we both smiled and probably squealed a bit and hugged right there in the door.  He was there! I was there!

It has been months since we’d last seen each other.

I felt nervous and excited and SO happy to see him.  It was clear he felt the same, too.

Our chemistry and the way we interact was always cute and flirtacious and there was no reason for it to have changed.  He smacked my butt while I made us drinks and found music to set the mood.  He got his things settled in the room and my nerves started to relax a bit.

We made conversation about normal stuff.  He buzzed about the room and I made him show me all the outfits he packed (even though we both knew it was going to be just for a few overnight hours…but he was always prepared with multiple clothes and boots, shoes, belts, matching socks, etc…too cute).

It felt amazing to lay in his arms again.

A few hours later, it was about 11pm and we were hungry so we went to the only restaurant open – IHOP.  It made me laugh because the last meal we had shared before this was at the Bel Air Jazz Club in Los Angeles.  I appreciated what we both had in common – the ability to go from fancy to, well, IHOP, and have just as good a time at both.

We sat on the same side of the booth and we shared stories about our childhoods and we caught up about things in our lives that we hadn’t had a chance to speak about in detail.  We laughed at the only other couple in the place (they were in their 70s) and how they BOTH were on their phones and one on a tablet, not speaking to each other.

We made the observation that we could never be like that and I hoped my partner and I could always have something to talk about.  Like me and Mr. Vegas always did.

During dinner the thought crossed my mind that he’d be leaving in the AM, but I quickly brushed it away.  I wanted to enjoy every moment I had with him.

Morning came sooner than I wanted it to and we woke up cuddling.

I felt safe and warm.

And then it happened.

My walls started coming down.

Ever so weary of the time crunch, emotions rushed to the front of my mind and my heart started breaking open.

My mind started reeling about how much I cared for this guy who I was going to have to let go of and possibly never see again.

As he held me, I began to lose it.

The tears started streaming down my face.

I did my best to be quiet about it and as I was laying on his chest, I kept my head tucked underneath his chin.

But he heard me.

“Blu…” he called me.

(“Blu” is his nickname he gave me when he first saw my blue eyes almost six months before.)

“Don’t cry, Blu…” he said, as he pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head.

He knew this part was going to be tough for him, too.  And before he could say anything more, my floodgates poured open.

I couldn’t help it and within thirty seconds I was full-on sobbing in his arms and sputtering to get out what I’d kept buried deep inside of me for months.

“I fucked up.  It’s all my fault.  This is my fault!  I should have said something to you earlier!” I sob as I lay on his chest, him holding me closer.

“No, Blu,” he said.  “It’s both our fault.  It was just poor communication.”

I cry and cry and continue on…

“You’re so amazing.  You’ve been nothing but good to me.  We’ve had such wonderful times together.  And (insert my son’s name) loves you.  And now you’re leaving…”

More sobbing.

More consoling.

“Sshh…it’s ok…” he tries to calm me down.

The feeling I was feeling hasn’t been that intense in I don’t know when.  Maybe never.

It wasn’t a break up kind of pain, where there’s anger and resentment and hurt.

No, this was different. This was my heart literally breaking.  The feeling that for the first time in a LONG time, real and true feelings and emotions for a man I’d met online, dated and had juuuust about started to take form of a real relationship had grown to be what they were.

And I was going to lose him.

My mind couldn’t stop flashing back to all of the memories we had made – the laughter, the love, the joy.

And then I remembered that day in church.

“But I PRAYED for you!” I continue to lose it. “I asked God to show me who it was and you showed up the next day.  And because I didn’t realize it until it was too late…now this?”

He pulls me close and kisses the top of my head again.

“Don’t cry, Blu.  It hurts me when you cry,” he said.

I don’t really recall what happened next.

There was no point in trying to figure anything more out, though.  His decision was already made.  He was moving to New Orleans.

I was crying more out of frustration and sadness than anything else.  I guess I hadn’t really realized the true impact of what I was feeling but as strong of a woman as I am (and one who can seriously keep emotions like this in check), I had no control over what was happening.  So I surrendered.

He held me and I cried, calming down from sobs to more calm sniffles and then basic, simple tears.

I told him that I didn’t want him to think I was trying to get him to change his mind and that I was just upset, and he told me how much he appreciated me letting him be the parent he needed to be for his daughter.

I couldn’t argue with that.

“You’re going to meet a great man, Blu.  Someone you deserve.  He’ll be allllmost as amazing as me.  Not quite, but a close 2nd,” he chuckles.  “I want you to be happy.”

I just smile and shake my head.

“You’re going to come see me, right? You’ll visit?” he asked.

“No.  I can’t do the long distance thing, you know that.  It was hard enough with Vegas and LA.” I said.

“Well, this isn’t he last time we’re going to see each other.  I know it’s not,” he tells me.

Eventually I calmed down.  Some time had really passed.  Still in his arms, he told me he was sorry but he had soccer clients he had to get back to for coaching sessions.

I told him I’d be fine, to just go. I’d be ok.

I look up at him with my tear-drenched face.  My eyes were bloodshot and my nose was running beyond belief.  He looks down at me.

“I love you, Kerianne.” He said.

“I love you, too.” I said, and he kisses me.

It was the first time I had said those words to anyone in over 7 years.

At that moment we were both on the very same page.  We both shared the understanding of what was.

It sucked.  It was painful. And so real.  There was love there, but as the cliche goes – if you love somebody, let them go.

He held me a bit longer and I realized his strength during this whole thing.

“Why aren’t you crying? Are you upset? I feel like an idiot here,” I told him.

He pulls me in for a close squeeze and told me he was trying to be strong.  He was holding it together for me.

“I’ll probably lose it as soon as I get to my car…”

A few minutes later, he got up and started gathering his things.  I stayed almost paralyzed in bed.  Tears started to flow again as I silently came to terms that the hours we had left were now turning into minutes.

Wiping my snotty nose on the crispy white sheets, I tried to pull it together to say goodbye.

He kissed me and we said a few simple parting words.

“I don’t regret doing this,” he said.

“Me either. I’m so glad we got to see each other,” I said.  “Drive safe.  Let me know you’re home ok.”

And then he left.

I jumped out of bed, wrapped in the sheets, to stand by the window overlooking the parking lot. I watched him walk to his car.

It’s funny how you only treasure those moments when you know it might be the last time you ever see somebody in person.

His car didn’t move for 10 minutes.

He sent me a text, though, saying something sweet.

Later I asked if he cried when he got to his car and he said “yes.”

Such a bittersweet thing to know, but at least I wasn’t alone in my feelings.

The 2-hr drive back to Los Angeles was difficult for me.  It gave me a lot of time to process our goodbye.  I called my best friend, James, and filled him in on the details. As always, he listened to my story and gave sound advice that Mr. Vegas wasn’t my guy for several reasons.

As tough as it was to deal with, the experience was necessary (and a gift) to have.

It’s been a month since we’ve last seen each other.  We still talk often.

He left Vegas arrived in New Orleans yesterday and I called him several times during his long road trip to keep him awake during the late hours on the road.  We’re friends.  We love each other and we want the best for the other.

I learned so much from my experience with Mr. Vegas…

I learned to not be so harsh with my expectations of finding “my perfect man” and to recognize the important difference between ambition and passion and working towards something, versus money in the bank and a lack of deep connection.

I learned that my heart didn’t dry up on me during this seemingly long period where I hadn’t connected with someone on such a deep emotional level.  I’ve always had a big heart and at times I’d wonder if I was doing something wrong by not falling for other guys I had met.  But being with Mr. Vegas reminded me of the huge capacity I have to love someone – and how amazing I know it’ll feel when I meet the man who’ll get my WHOLE heart, and reciprocate the same amount of love back to me.

Maybe we’ll re-connect in a year when he plans to move back. Or maybe not, because I’ll have found the perfect guy for me that he predicted I would. Who knows. I’m open to whatever the big man upstairs has in store for me.

And as always, I continue to learn patience while I go through this “Sex & The City” life of a woman who’s single and dating that I’ve built here in Los Angeles.

And so…the shenanigans continue.

In the meantime…

Thanks for reading. Thanks for allowing me to share real, authentic stories with you. You are so appreciated. xoxo

Mr. Vegas – Part I

Buckle up…

I haven’t written about shenanigans in a long time. So here we go…

About 6 months ago, I was sitting in church with my 14-yr-old son.  It was a new church a friend of mine said to check out .  It’d been awhile since I attended a service.  I was really enjoying it.  The pastor was speaking about how we often tend to take control of everything in our lives and forget to just pray about things and ask God for help.

This hit me right in the heart. I totally wasn’t doing that.

For those of you who know me IRL, I work for a dating company.  I’m constantly surrounded by the top experts and their advice in dating, love and relationships.  I must have read and shared a thousand blogs articles so far and had umpteen hundreds of hours of conversations about what to do, who to look for, how to act, who to be, etc.

I’m good.  I got this dating stuff down.

Or do I?

I was so consumed with the external resources and support around me that I had completely forgotten about a fundamental part of who I am – someone who believes in God and who knows He is looking down at me as I go on this journey of looking for my soulmate.  (Side note – God’s definitely shaking his head during moments of shenanigans, of which there are many.  Good thing He still loves me as I try to make the best decisions possible!)

The pastor’s words were so simple but so painful.  Why was I trying to figure this out on my own? I’ve met so many people over the last few years of my dating life, but hadn’t found “The One.” I clearly could use some help!

So right there in church I said a prayer.  I asked Him to help me.  Make it clear.  Make it obvious who was out there for me.

I kid you not, the next day I received a message on OkCupid from Mr. Vegas.

Yes, he lived in Vegas and HOW he ended up finding me (I live in Los Angeles) is one of the signs I knew this guy was something to pay attention to.  We had both changed our settings so that we only saw matches within 25 miles from where we lived.  Clearly outside of our areas. We couldn’t explain how it happened.  Go figure.

It kinda worked, though, because later he said he’d been looking at moving to Los Angeles regardless.  Cool!

As I read his profile and looked at his pics, I began to get excited.  He was so cute! And older (48…I prefer someone in their 40s), fun, athletic, an entrepreneur, a God-fearing man, a single dad, and a FANTASTIC dresser.  The bow tie really did me in. His messages to me were sweet and polite and bashful yet confident.

“I feel like a kid in the candy store every time I see a message from you,” he said.  It was adorbs.

After more back and forth, we moved to the phone.  After tons of hours on the phone until 3am each night, and a few weeks later, we made plans to meet.  There was too much in common, we got along so well and this was looking good.

He came to Los Angeles.  My friend, Katie, took my son to a movie while he and I met for our first date at a cafe for lunch.

When he walked in wearing my favorite colored shirt (blue, he remembered) and trendy white denim jeans I was smitten.

He had booked a hotel room and planned to stay for 2 days.

Well guess what?

He ended up leaving 4 days later! We spent almost every waking moment together – he didn’t want to leave, and neither did I.

He met my son and to this day, he’s never hit it off with anyone I’ve introduced him to (which is just a small handful of guys) as well as with Mr. Vegas.  They were too peas in a pod and at times I felt like the 3rd wheel while they left me out and talked about sports, shoes, and other boy stuff.  It was awesome.

He even went to church with us and as I stood there afterwards taking a selfie of the three of us on the sidewalk outside the church, I felt so unbelievably connected and happy.  This guy was amazing.  It felt right.

Over the course of the next few months, I pretty much stopped talking to other guys and didn’t spend much time on my dating profiles.  Mr. Vegas and I kept talking until 3am most nights and also saw each other several more times.

My son and I drove out to Vegas for a long weekend and had the time of our lives with him.  We went go-karting, played basketball, walked through the stores the Wynn and picked out our own Rolex watches we’d someday buy.  We went out to eat and did other touristy things and took a million pictures while we created beautiful and fun memories.

My son flew home to his dad’s at the end of the summer and Mr. Vegas came back out to LA a few weeks later.

And then something bad happened.

I started judging him.

I thought to myself:

“He doesn’t make as much money as me.  Shouldn’t he?

He doesn’t have a plan together to move to LA yet.  Shouldn’t he? Maybe he’s not serious about this…

Maybe he’s not as good-looking as I first thought.  I should be super-attracted to my guy, right?

Maybe he’s too preachy for my taste.  How can I be with someone who wants to be an evangelist?? I don’t know the first thing about that kind of work…”

And on, and on.

I eventually decided that this wasn’t going to work.  I put walls up and I started to shut him out.

This wasn’t the ideal guy I had pictured in my mind of who I should be with.  I wanted someone I could relate to more.  Someone who was more stable and could offer me security.  Someone who understood more about my line of work and who was able to talk to me about things in my area of expertise.

I had to do it.

I finally made the phonecall where I explained awkwardly that I didn’t see us working out due to the distance between us (my best excuse that also partly resembled some truth).

He was hurt.  And shocked.  But took it like a champ and hoped we could still be friends and communicate.

Of course this was fine with me.  He was an amazing guy, after all.  There was no ill-will.

I jumped right back into online dating.  I deleted my OkCupid account and re-downloaded Plenty of Fish.  I needed a fresh start and a fresh pond to fish from.  I was more clear than ever who I was looking for and refused to “settle.”

About 3 months passed by and then something even more terrible happened.

I realized just how amazing Mr. Vegas was.

And not just amazing, but I realized how he was almost perfect for me.

Aww, crap.

I realized that although he wasn’t making the same amount of money I was, but that he was successful in the past as a business owner and was transitioning into building another business on the side while working his full-time job.  He was a hustler and I’m attracted to ambition.  I had overlooked this.

I realized that he made me feel like a complete Queen when he pumped my gas each and every time he was with me, regardless of if I was driving.  I also realized that the teaching opportunity he gave my son who was riding in the back seat the first time this happened will probably have a lifelong impact.  He told my son that he should always pump his mom’s gas and for any lady that he’s with, for that matter.  Gentlemen are hard to come by, but this behavior should be standard to show respect and love for women, especially his mama.  For that I’m grateful.

I realized that all he did was make me laugh, smile and feel loved and adored.

I realized that we had the same aspirations in life and how great of a parent he was to his daughter.

I realized I messed up.

Big time.

And it shocked me when I realized the self-sabotage I had let run this off the track.

So….

After thinking and re-thinking and hashing this out in my head and outloud with my closest friends, I told him I needed to talk to him.  It was like feelings for him came back overnight, and even stronger for this guy!

On the phone, I was nervous.  My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing.

I rarely find myself in such an emotional and vulnerable place but I KNEW I had to share with him what my true feelings were or I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

Maybe this was my guy?!

I spilled my guts.

I told him I was sorry and that he was amazing and how much fun we always had and how special our time was together.

I went on and on about the good things I liked about him and how he made me feel.

And then, I asked him…what were his plans to maybe move to LA and pursue something serious with me and with his career change? We had talked about this a lot in the past.

His answer almost crushed me.

“Babe,” he said. “Wow…”

I could detect a certain note of sadness in his voice.

He continued…

“I really thought you and I were done.” (long pause)  “I’ve decided to move to New Orleans where my daughter is in college.  It’s her last year and I really want to be there for her before she heads off into the real world.  You know? Like, to be there for her until she’s gone.  She’s 18 – it’s her last year I’ll be able to really do that.”

I was shocked.

Wow.  I did not expect to hear that not only was he no longer thinking about moving to Los Angeles, but that he was instead, moving further away from me.

The rest of the conversation was a blur, but I managed to share that I was willing to give us a shot if he moved here and really wanted to see what would happen, how great we could be.

There wasn’t too much pursuading  after that as I’m not that type of person.  I tend to want people to make up their own minds about whether or not they want to be with me, so I told him I totally understand about his daughter and I didn’t ever want to be the reason he could regret not moving to New Orleans to be near her.

He told me he was torn.

This news obviously came as a shock to him, too, and we ended the 2-hr phonecall with him saying he’d need to really think about things now.  He made it clear he cared very much about both of us ladies.

The next two week were pure agony as I tried to be patient and wait to hear his (life-changing) decision about his next chapter in life.

I couldn’t take it and as each day went by I wanted this fairy tale romance to happen.  Selfishly, I wanted him to choose me! I wanted him to choose him!

And soon enough, the verdict came.

He decided he would move to New Orleans at the start of the year.

I was crushed. And then angry. And then more mad. And that kept me from saying, “No!!!! But we’re supposed to be together!” and instead gave me, “Well, FINE! You’re not who I’m looking for ANYWAYS!” and stomp off in disgust to be done with it.

I told my close friends what Mr. Vegas had decided and they consoled me and agreed that we weren’t compatible enough, or that he just wasn’t “my guy.”

Fast forward about 2 months later and that brings us to recent weeks…

After Mr. Vegas had told me his decision I had completely backed away.

But as time went on, the anger subsided and I started feeling something else much stronger.

Love.

And regret.

I was feeling sad, and that I perhaps had messed this up along time ago.

I still had feelings for Mr. Vegas.

We started talking again.  A little bit here and there.  Just text messages at first.

And then a phone call on Christmas Eve when my son and I were hanging out at a cabin we had rented out of town in the mountains.

I put him on speakerphone and my son and him shared laughs about an inside joke they had always teased me with.  We laughed and laughed and all caught up.

My son went to bed and Mr. Vegas called me back.

As I laid on my bed talking to him, it hit me.

“You should be here with us…” I said.

“I wish I was…” he admitted.

And then, tears started falling down my cheeks.

I hadn’t cried in forever! What the heck was going on?!

I cried in silence as he kept talking about something. I told him I had to go.

A week passed by and we talked more and more.

I was still aware he was moving to New Orleans.  I wanted the best for him and totally supported his decision to move near his daughter, regardless of the twinge of pain it caused me every time he’d mention updates about his move, finding a place, interviews with a potential job there, etc.

My son went to his dad’s after Christmas and Mr. Vegas and I kept in communication.

In the meantime, I’d been going on dates and meeting other guys from eHarmony and Plenty of Fish.  My dance card was full but Mr. Vegas was always close to my heart.

And then, this last Saturday he’s texting me in the morning and says, “Let’s meet in the middle.  I want to see you.”

Shocked, I said, “Now?!”

“Yes!” he said.

He called me.  I didn’t know what to do but I also wanted to see him.  Especially before he moved away.  One last time at least, right?

So we booked a hotel in the middle and drove to meet…

(To be continued….in Part II).

Ummm…an awkward moment in a Hollywood parking garage.

My dating profile is currently on Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. I recently deleted OkCupid after what seemed like an eternity. 

So I’m in Hollywood yesterday on my way to a burlesque workshop (oh yes…it was so fun). I pull into a nearby parking structure packed with cars. A tall guy with glasses working security helped guide me to a space then walked away. 

I park and start walking towards the elevators. I see him standing there watching me walk.

“Culver City,” he says. 

I’m confused. Who’s he talking to?

He says again, “Culver City.”

Ok, what the heck?? I think he’s definitely talking to me because there’s no one else around so I stop. 

“Culver City…what?” I ask, half-smiling, half-annoyed cuz I’m gonna be late, thanks to the extra traffic from shutting down Hollywood Blvd for the world premiere and red carpet of the new “Star Wars.” 

Culver City. Hmmm.  I know it’s a nearby city but I have no connection to it. 

“I know you. We met on OkCupid. You stopped talking to me.”

Oh, snap. 

A moment of panic sets in and I’m SO confused. 

I don’t live in Culver City. 

Also, I have NO recollection of who this dude is. 

I’m trapped in a garage with this dude who’s pretty damn confident he knows me and wants to not let me off the hook here. 

I’m now 5 minutes late to burlesque class. 

“I don’t live in Culver City…” I say. 

I’m now trying to figure out if this guy with possible Tourette’s syndrome is making it up and using it as a pickup line or what!

Then he says, “You’re a Director of something…”

Crap. 

I’m clear that I list my job title on dating profiles.

“Director of Social Media?” I question him, regretting possibly giving him too much info already. 

He quickly responds, “Yep. That’s it.” “You and I were talking and you just stopped.”

Welcome to online dating. Unless I’m feeling someone pretty quickly based on their profile info, pics and any initial chatting/messages on the site, I tend to ghost someone. 

Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. 

It was a mild case, however, because we never actually spoke. 

Well now that he’s in front of me  I’m not sure what to do. I’m totally caught off guard and still can’t remember him for the life of me. But honestly I’m more impressed with this guy’s ability to so quickly identify me – and in a dark garage, through the window of my car. Wow. 

At least my pictures online represent me well in person!

“Dang! How’d you recognize me to fast? We’ve never met,” I say. 

He smiles, “I just have that gift. I never forget a face. My mom says I should work for the FBI…lol.”

I smile, nervously now cuz this dude kinda freaked me out. Bonus points on being so attentive. 

He goes on to tell me he wants to become a cop (and I take away the bonus points I just gave him…I can’t picture myself with another person in that field.) 

I’m still not sure what to do and I’m racking my brain the whole time to try and remember SOMETHING about this guy. 

I ask him, “Wait…what’s your screen name?”

“Oh, wait. Not OkCupid. It was Plenty of Fish,” he recalls. 

Welcome further to online dating. Many people use multiple dating sites. Better odds, I guess. 

I tell him I’m sorry I can’t remember but that I’m late to go grind on a chair at a dance studio. 

Ok, I didn’t say that. I told him I had an appointment to run to. I tell him to message me on POF in an attempt to deflect and move on my way. 

“Why don’t I just give you my number???” He asks in a very straightforward way. 

Damn. 

In situations like this, I’m so polite and don’t want to be rude. He “pitches me” and says he’s not who his profile is. He’s…better. He’s himself. 

Ummm, ok. 

I can tell he’s trying to win my digits so I half-willingly send him a text and then say bye and quickly scurry on my way to the elevator. 

As I walk to my appointment I realize how small the city of Los Angeles really is. 

The dude spotted me in a parking garage! In Hollywood where there are a million people everywhere! Crazy. This makes me wonder what it’ll be like when I hit a higher public profile (it’s coming…I can feel it.)

I let it go and get to burlesque class and forget about it. 

And then later that night, I get this: 

  
So….now what?! 

I haven’t responded. 

I’m not sure how compatible I am with a security guard, as ambition and career path tend to be at the top of the list for my ideal match. 

I’m talking to several people right now (nothing serious yet), and have a first date tonight with an engineer I met on eHarmony. Mr. FBI came off as a little awkward and although he was kinda cute (kinda cute), I didn’t have any real sparks go off. 

What or how should I respond to this guy? I don’t want to leave him hanging but not sure what to say or do here. 

Thoughts??? Help!!!

Just…..UGH. Part I.

UpDATE on the Cardiologist aka “The Love Doctor” – After our brief phone conversation during lunch when he said he’d call me later that night b/c he really wanted to “get to know me better,” he never called.

The end.

If you’d like to re-read my blog post title posted at the top of this now, I’ll wait.

There are more flakes in the dating pool than you’ll find in a dandruff commercial. Isn’t that fantastic?? Happens a lot.

I let this one go and chalked it up to the fact that he’s better off fixing real hearts than potentially breaking mine. Besides, aren’t Doctors NEVER HOME??? It sounded good at first, but…I never heard from him again.

Ok, moving on.

UpDATE on Mr. Too-Young-Tyson-Beckford – Surprise! I bet you weren’t expecting this guy to pop back up!

By the way, for those of you who weren’t around two years ago when I first met this FINE young man, you should stop reading immediately and catch yourself up on that update and blast from the past.

For my faithful readers, first of all – TWO YEARS ALREADY?!

Wow, time is flying.

Also, wow, I’m still dealing with shenanigans and the sometimes fun and sometimes frustrating #singlelife.  Hence my blog post title – “Just…UGH.”

Second – last week I saw Mr. Too-Young-Tyson-Beckford.  Yes, in the FLESH, people! Jawbone, fresh hair cut, cheekbones, six-pack and all.  I swear on all things Holy (sorry, Jesus…but also, thank you) he is the most physically gorgeous man I’ve met.  And I’ve met a lot of beautiful people over the years of living here in Los Angeles, trust me.

I was flipping through my Plenty of Fish profiles (oh by the way – I re-downloaded that app after giving it a nice long vacation) when I noticed him noticing me.  His face popped up in my “Who’s Viewed You” section and I just smiled.  The memories quickly came back to me and it was like seeing a friendly, familiar face.  We ended on a good note.

We message each other with small talk.  One of his first questions – “Wait…what the HELL are YOU still doing single?!”

It was a great question, and two hours later he was at my place trying to figure it out for a Netflix and chill minus the Netflix but definitely the chill part night.  He ended up leaving around 2am after an interesting chain of events, mostly made up of both of us giving each other the standard Dr. Phil rundown.  How sad and also how scintillating.  It was refreshing to have such an open and honest conversation about dating, with someone from the opposite sex.

For someone so young (he’s two years older now but 29 and still not yet 30) he’s pretty wise and DEFINITELY even hotter than I left him that night standing on the curb, turning him down to come back to his place and Netflix and chill, minus the Netflix AND the chill (and we should ditch that reference cuz two years ago this dating phrase wasn’t even invented yet).  I digress.  He came over.  Shenanigans.

It’s clear he’s not my guy but I firmly believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  In dating, this applies, too, although most guys I’ve met are the shortest seasons you’ve ever seen when it’s all gloom and doom and cold, dull or not-quite-right weather.

His reason/season this time around was during our conversation where he told me something I’ve never heard before:

He said, “I think people see us and automatically think one thing of who we are.  But then we meet and we start talking and they realize they’ve got it all wrong.

For me, they see a good-looking guy who looks like he’d make a great dad and husband and someone who’d want to settle down, when really I just want to travel the world and not have kids.

For you, they see who you are and then you start talking and they realize you’re way more intimidating or powerful or intelligent or ambitious than they thought you’d be and they don’t know how to handle you.”

Boom.

Pretty much.

So that sucks, and Mr. Tyson almost made me tear up a bit as we were talking, too. Sad but true and honest assessment.

I’ve literally heard these exact words from two very successful men recently who both know me well.

One who was trying to go halves on a baby with me a few months ago (he was serious, and if I was trying to trap a multi-millionaire I’d be writing a very different blog post right now, but that’s the last thing I want to do) and the other a good, old, wise married man of whom you all may know if you know me IRL.

It’s very clear (and perfectly OK) with me that I’m all those qualities and traits he mentioned above because it’ll be all the more clear when the right man shows up.  He’ll see me, get to know me and it’ll make sense.  He won’t go running towards the hills, or just flake away like the leaves in the Fall, searching for someone better suited.

But until that day, just…UGH.

Catch Part II next…

 

The Love Doctor

So I met a heart doctor online. A cardiologist.

Heart-Doctor-2
I work for an online dating company.

How cool would it be if my guy ended up being in the world of hearts, too???

Our exchanges so far:

Messaging back and forth on the site.

Moving it offline and exchanging cell numbers.

Texting back and forth a few times with “Good morning, sexy…” etc

He says he wants to get to know me and can’t wait to talk further.

A few more days pass.

(This is the time when people either drop off or make a move.)

And then today – he CALLS! I was busy working so I let him leave a message.

His voicemail:

“Hi there, it’s (his name).  I just called to say I hope you’re having a great day!…

I was serious about what I said – I’d really like to get to know you better.

You’re beautiful and smart.  Exactly what I’m looking for….”

BIG SMILES.

I called him back during lunch to quickly thank him for calling.  He was at the gym and we agreed to talk later tonight.

So….yep.

Stay tuned!

Sometimes you gotta just cut someone…

People treat us the way we allow them to.

I rarely cut people off, but today I got my scissors OUT.  #done

If it’s not working out with a guy I’m involved with I typically have a respectful bowing out type of communication. I never get angry or bitter. I never call him out on his BS or get into any deep conversations where we discover why the two of us went wrong. It’s usually a respectful, adult-like parting of ways. (Even though so many guys really should have the riot act read to them for simple things like not knowing how to pick up the phone, or how to properly court someone they’re interested in.) Dating these days has gone to the dogs with some people!

Journey with me back to Friday of last week…

First of all, you should know that 99.9% of the time I can’t relate to the term “thirsty.” (Urban dictionary’s definition of “thirsty” found here.) But that .10% of the time that I am feeling parched forgive me. I’m only human.

In my moment of weakness, I reached out to someone who I’ve been seeing off and on since January. We haven’t seen each other in two months or so but last we talked it was clear we both wanted to see what could happen with us.
He’s a more serious type of guy and so our conversations were always very real and very deep when they went there. He even mentioned I’d be a really great wife. He’s a good Christian guy and heavily involved in the church, which is something I find attractive.  Not necessary, but helpful to share a similar background.

And the man is ambitious.

Besides him being a chivalrous gentleman, a musician and scholar, his ambition was one of the things I found most attractive.

He’s starting another business.  You know I love those entrepreneur types.

He’s always out of town, or running from place to place driving somewhere – one of the reasons why plans are never made.

Because I’m more traditional, and love a man to take the initiative and be masculine and show up as a leader, I typically let the guy take charge in making plans to see me.

I don’t sit back and wait all the time, but typically I’ll reach out to people who I really enjoy their company, and when we may have something potential going. I understand that people are busy here in Los Angeles and that dating sometimes takes the back seat (for real, though), so I don’t mind reaching out to people to get the ball rolling again.  Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out on their radar.

So Friday, I found myself in a rare situation with absolutely no plans set for the weekend. I reach out to Mr. Busy to see if he was around for the weekend. To my surprise he responded quickly and asked what I was up to. He told me that he had tentative plans for the weekend. His boys were having a kickoff football party in San Diego this weekend and he was just waiting to hear if his friend’s wife would let him go on the trip.  So far she wasn’t having it..

I was pretty blunt and clear when I said I wanted to see him. (remember, I was feeling the thirst, ya’ll)

He got the message and given our past and crazy chemistry together, he excitedly said, “Yes, let’s make plans.”

He was a few hours away, working on closing a big deal for his business so he said he would hit me up when he was on his way back to Los Angeles.

I went home after work and did a bunch of stuff.  Around 9:30p I realized he still hadn’t called so I sent him a message. He apologized that it was so late in getting back to me, that he had just finished up the paperwork and was headed back home. He said he’d call me when he got there.

He never did.

Saturday afternoon comes around.

I sent him a message,  “Get home okay last night?”

Hours go by. No answer.

In the meanwhile I was having a glorious day by myself. I took myself shopping, bought some great things and truly enjoyed the relaxing day in the sun walking around by the beach.

It’s now Saturday evening.

I’m trying to stay patient at this point now that half of the weekend is already over and we still haven’t touched base about what plans we’re going to make. So I laugh it off and try to be cute hoping he’d respond.

“Wow! You are super ghost! Lol” (Urban dictionary’s definition of “going ghost” found here.)

Hours past. STILL NO ANSWER FROM HIM.

Luckily, my single life rocks and after a full day of shopping, I spent Saturday night on Blab.im, (basically like Skype with multiple people..it’s new, it’s awesome).  My friends and I from all over the country had a great time laughing and talking to each other.  We all made our own cocktails and said “Cheers” to each other virtually.  It was a blast!

The next morning I wake up, and had totally forgotten that dude hasn’t hit me up yet.  At this point, I’m not disappointed but shaking my head.  Typical.

I enjoy another relaxing day and end up lounging by the pool that afternoon where I eventually send him another message.

I let it go that he may or may not ever respond at this point, but he did.

It was typical and looking back at his behavior I shouldn’t have expected any different.

I couldn’t take it (my texts are in green below):

image

Oh, you gonna still make me an option, not a priority? And over the Baltimore Ravens?! Oh HELL, NO!

DONE.

Snip, snip. Deuces!

Moving on!

So, guys, what do you think? Was I too harsh? Not harsh enough? (And no, it’s been 7 hours and I know he saw the message from me, but the fool hasn’t even responded back yet.) SMH, ya’ll.