Mr. Vegas – Part I

Buckle up…

I haven’t written about shenanigans in a long time. So here we go…

About 6 months ago, I was sitting in church with my 14-yr-old son.  It was a new church a friend of mine said to check out .  It’d been awhile since I attended a service.  I was really enjoying it.  The pastor was speaking about how we often tend to take control of everything in our lives and forget to just pray about things and ask God for help.

This hit me right in the heart. I totally wasn’t doing that.

For those of you who know me IRL, I work for a dating company.  I’m constantly surrounded by the top experts and their advice in dating, love and relationships.  I must have read and shared a thousand blogs articles so far and had umpteen hundreds of hours of conversations about what to do, who to look for, how to act, who to be, etc.

I’m good.  I got this dating stuff down.

Or do I?

I was so consumed with the external resources and support around me that I had completely forgotten about a fundamental part of who I am – someone who believes in God and who knows He is looking down at me as I go on this journey of looking for my soulmate.  (Side note – God’s definitely shaking his head during moments of shenanigans, of which there are many.  Good thing He still loves me as I try to make the best decisions possible!)

The pastor’s words were so simple but so painful.  Why was I trying to figure this out on my own? I’ve met so many people over the last few years of my dating life, but hadn’t found “The One.” I clearly could use some help!

So right there in church I said a prayer.  I asked Him to help me.  Make it clear.  Make it obvious who was out there for me.

I kid you not, the next day I received a message on OkCupid from Mr. Vegas.

Yes, he lived in Vegas and HOW he ended up finding me (I live in Los Angeles) is one of the signs I knew this guy was something to pay attention to.  We had both changed our settings so that we only saw matches within 25 miles from where we lived.  Clearly outside of our areas. We couldn’t explain how it happened.  Go figure.

It kinda worked, though, because later he said he’d been looking at moving to Los Angeles regardless.  Cool!

As I read his profile and looked at his pics, I began to get excited.  He was so cute! And older (48…I prefer someone in their 40s), fun, athletic, an entrepreneur, a God-fearing man, a single dad, and a FANTASTIC dresser.  The bow tie really did me in. His messages to me were sweet and polite and bashful yet confident.

“I feel like a kid in the candy store every time I see a message from you,” he said.  It was adorbs.

After more back and forth, we moved to the phone.  After tons of hours on the phone until 3am each night, and a few weeks later, we made plans to meet.  There was too much in common, we got along so well and this was looking good.

He came to Los Angeles.  My friend, Katie, took my son to a movie while he and I met for our first date at a cafe for lunch.

When he walked in wearing my favorite colored shirt (blue, he remembered) and trendy white denim jeans I was smitten.

He had booked a hotel room and planned to stay for 2 days.

Well guess what?

He ended up leaving 4 days later! We spent almost every waking moment together – he didn’t want to leave, and neither did I.

He met my son and to this day, he’s never hit it off with anyone I’ve introduced him to (which is just a small handful of guys) as well as with Mr. Vegas.  They were too peas in a pod and at times I felt like the 3rd wheel while they left me out and talked about sports, shoes, and other boy stuff.  It was awesome.

He even went to church with us and as I stood there afterwards taking a selfie of the three of us on the sidewalk outside the church, I felt so unbelievably connected and happy.  This guy was amazing.  It felt right.

Over the course of the next few months, I pretty much stopped talking to other guys and didn’t spend much time on my dating profiles.  Mr. Vegas and I kept talking until 3am most nights and also saw each other several more times.

My son and I drove out to Vegas for a long weekend and had the time of our lives with him.  We went go-karting, played basketball, walked through the stores the Wynn and picked out our own Rolex watches we’d someday buy.  We went out to eat and did other touristy things and took a million pictures while we created beautiful and fun memories.

My son flew home to his dad’s at the end of the summer and Mr. Vegas came back out to LA a few weeks later.

And then something bad happened.

I started judging him.

I thought to myself:

“He doesn’t make as much money as me.  Shouldn’t he?

He doesn’t have a plan together to move to LA yet.  Shouldn’t he? Maybe he’s not serious about this…

Maybe he’s not as good-looking as I first thought.  I should be super-attracted to my guy, right?

Maybe he’s too preachy for my taste.  How can I be with someone who wants to be an evangelist?? I don’t know the first thing about that kind of work…”

And on, and on.

I eventually decided that this wasn’t going to work.  I put walls up and I started to shut him out.

This wasn’t the ideal guy I had pictured in my mind of who I should be with.  I wanted someone I could relate to more.  Someone who was more stable and could offer me security.  Someone who understood more about my line of work and who was able to talk to me about things in my area of expertise.

I had to do it.

I finally made the phonecall where I explained awkwardly that I didn’t see us working out due to the distance between us (my best excuse that also partly resembled some truth).

He was hurt.  And shocked.  But took it like a champ and hoped we could still be friends and communicate.

Of course this was fine with me.  He was an amazing guy, after all.  There was no ill-will.

I jumped right back into online dating.  I deleted my OkCupid account and re-downloaded Plenty of Fish.  I needed a fresh start and a fresh pond to fish from.  I was more clear than ever who I was looking for and refused to “settle.”

About 3 months passed by and then something even more terrible happened.

I realized just how amazing Mr. Vegas was.

And not just amazing, but I realized how he was almost perfect for me.

Aww, crap.

I realized that although he wasn’t making the same amount of money I was, but that he was successful in the past as a business owner and was transitioning into building another business on the side while working his full-time job.  He was a hustler and I’m attracted to ambition.  I had overlooked this.

I realized that he made me feel like a complete Queen when he pumped my gas each and every time he was with me, regardless of if I was driving.  I also realized that the teaching opportunity he gave my son who was riding in the back seat the first time this happened will probably have a lifelong impact.  He told my son that he should always pump his mom’s gas and for any lady that he’s with, for that matter.  Gentlemen are hard to come by, but this behavior should be standard to show respect and love for women, especially his mama.  For that I’m grateful.

I realized that all he did was make me laugh, smile and feel loved and adored.

I realized that we had the same aspirations in life and how great of a parent he was to his daughter.

I realized I messed up.

Big time.

And it shocked me when I realized the self-sabotage I had let run this off the track.

So….

After thinking and re-thinking and hashing this out in my head and outloud with my closest friends, I told him I needed to talk to him.  It was like feelings for him came back overnight, and even stronger for this guy!

On the phone, I was nervous.  My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing.

I rarely find myself in such an emotional and vulnerable place but I KNEW I had to share with him what my true feelings were or I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

Maybe this was my guy?!

I spilled my guts.

I told him I was sorry and that he was amazing and how much fun we always had and how special our time was together.

I went on and on about the good things I liked about him and how he made me feel.

And then, I asked him…what were his plans to maybe move to LA and pursue something serious with me and with his career change? We had talked about this a lot in the past.

His answer almost crushed me.

“Babe,” he said. “Wow…”

I could detect a certain note of sadness in his voice.

He continued…

“I really thought you and I were done.” (long pause)  “I’ve decided to move to New Orleans where my daughter is in college.  It’s her last year and I really want to be there for her before she heads off into the real world.  You know? Like, to be there for her until she’s gone.  She’s 18 – it’s her last year I’ll be able to really do that.”

I was shocked.

Wow.  I did not expect to hear that not only was he no longer thinking about moving to Los Angeles, but that he was instead, moving further away from me.

The rest of the conversation was a blur, but I managed to share that I was willing to give us a shot if he moved here and really wanted to see what would happen, how great we could be.

There wasn’t too much pursuading  after that as I’m not that type of person.  I tend to want people to make up their own minds about whether or not they want to be with me, so I told him I totally understand about his daughter and I didn’t ever want to be the reason he could regret not moving to New Orleans to be near her.

He told me he was torn.

This news obviously came as a shock to him, too, and we ended the 2-hr phonecall with him saying he’d need to really think about things now.  He made it clear he cared very much about both of us ladies.

The next two week were pure agony as I tried to be patient and wait to hear his (life-changing) decision about his next chapter in life.

I couldn’t take it and as each day went by I wanted this fairy tale romance to happen.  Selfishly, I wanted him to choose me! I wanted him to choose him!

And soon enough, the verdict came.

He decided he would move to New Orleans at the start of the year.

I was crushed. And then angry. And then more mad. And that kept me from saying, “No!!!! But we’re supposed to be together!” and instead gave me, “Well, FINE! You’re not who I’m looking for ANYWAYS!” and stomp off in disgust to be done with it.

I told my close friends what Mr. Vegas had decided and they consoled me and agreed that we weren’t compatible enough, or that he just wasn’t “my guy.”

Fast forward about 2 months later and that brings us to recent weeks…

After Mr. Vegas had told me his decision I had completely backed away.

But as time went on, the anger subsided and I started feeling something else much stronger.

Love.

And regret.

I was feeling sad, and that I perhaps had messed this up along time ago.

I still had feelings for Mr. Vegas.

We started talking again.  A little bit here and there.  Just text messages at first.

And then a phone call on Christmas Eve when my son and I were hanging out at a cabin we had rented out of town in the mountains.

I put him on speakerphone and my son and him shared laughs about an inside joke they had always teased me with.  We laughed and laughed and all caught up.

My son went to bed and Mr. Vegas called me back.

As I laid on my bed talking to him, it hit me.

“You should be here with us…” I said.

“I wish I was…” he admitted.

And then, tears started falling down my cheeks.

I hadn’t cried in forever! What the heck was going on?!

I cried in silence as he kept talking about something. I told him I had to go.

A week passed by and we talked more and more.

I was still aware he was moving to New Orleans.  I wanted the best for him and totally supported his decision to move near his daughter, regardless of the twinge of pain it caused me every time he’d mention updates about his move, finding a place, interviews with a potential job there, etc.

My son went to his dad’s after Christmas and Mr. Vegas and I kept in communication.

In the meantime, I’d been going on dates and meeting other guys from eHarmony and Plenty of Fish.  My dance card was full but Mr. Vegas was always close to my heart.

And then, this last Saturday he’s texting me in the morning and says, “Let’s meet in the middle.  I want to see you.”

Shocked, I said, “Now?!”

“Yes!” he said.

He called me.  I didn’t know what to do but I also wanted to see him.  Especially before he moved away.  One last time at least, right?

So we booked a hotel in the middle and drove to meet…

(To be continued….in Part II).

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Ummm…an awkward moment in a Hollywood parking garage.

My dating profile is currently on Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. I recently deleted OkCupid after what seemed like an eternity. 

So I’m in Hollywood yesterday on my way to a burlesque workshop (oh yes…it was so fun). I pull into a nearby parking structure packed with cars. A tall guy with glasses working security helped guide me to a space then walked away. 

I park and start walking towards the elevators. I see him standing there watching me walk.

“Culver City,” he says. 

I’m confused. Who’s he talking to?

He says again, “Culver City.”

Ok, what the heck?? I think he’s definitely talking to me because there’s no one else around so I stop. 

“Culver City…what?” I ask, half-smiling, half-annoyed cuz I’m gonna be late, thanks to the extra traffic from shutting down Hollywood Blvd for the world premiere and red carpet of the new “Star Wars.” 

Culver City. Hmmm.  I know it’s a nearby city but I have no connection to it. 

“I know you. We met on OkCupid. You stopped talking to me.”

Oh, snap. 

A moment of panic sets in and I’m SO confused. 

I don’t live in Culver City. 

Also, I have NO recollection of who this dude is. 

I’m trapped in a garage with this dude who’s pretty damn confident he knows me and wants to not let me off the hook here. 

I’m now 5 minutes late to burlesque class. 

“I don’t live in Culver City…” I say. 

I’m now trying to figure out if this guy with possible Tourette’s syndrome is making it up and using it as a pickup line or what!

Then he says, “You’re a Director of something…”

Crap. 

I’m clear that I list my job title on dating profiles.

“Director of Social Media?” I question him, regretting possibly giving him too much info already. 

He quickly responds, “Yep. That’s it.” “You and I were talking and you just stopped.”

Welcome to online dating. Unless I’m feeling someone pretty quickly based on their profile info, pics and any initial chatting/messages on the site, I tend to ghost someone. 

Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. 

It was a mild case, however, because we never actually spoke. 

Well now that he’s in front of me  I’m not sure what to do. I’m totally caught off guard and still can’t remember him for the life of me. But honestly I’m more impressed with this guy’s ability to so quickly identify me – and in a dark garage, through the window of my car. Wow. 

At least my pictures online represent me well in person!

“Dang! How’d you recognize me to fast? We’ve never met,” I say. 

He smiles, “I just have that gift. I never forget a face. My mom says I should work for the FBI…lol.”

I smile, nervously now cuz this dude kinda freaked me out. Bonus points on being so attentive. 

He goes on to tell me he wants to become a cop (and I take away the bonus points I just gave him…I can’t picture myself with another person in that field.) 

I’m still not sure what to do and I’m racking my brain the whole time to try and remember SOMETHING about this guy. 

I ask him, “Wait…what’s your screen name?”

“Oh, wait. Not OkCupid. It was Plenty of Fish,” he recalls. 

Welcome further to online dating. Many people use multiple dating sites. Better odds, I guess. 

I tell him I’m sorry I can’t remember but that I’m late to go grind on a chair at a dance studio. 

Ok, I didn’t say that. I told him I had an appointment to run to. I tell him to message me on POF in an attempt to deflect and move on my way. 

“Why don’t I just give you my number???” He asks in a very straightforward way. 

Damn. 

In situations like this, I’m so polite and don’t want to be rude. He “pitches me” and says he’s not who his profile is. He’s…better. He’s himself. 

Ummm, ok. 

I can tell he’s trying to win my digits so I half-willingly send him a text and then say bye and quickly scurry on my way to the elevator. 

As I walk to my appointment I realize how small the city of Los Angeles really is. 

The dude spotted me in a parking garage! In Hollywood where there are a million people everywhere! Crazy. This makes me wonder what it’ll be like when I hit a higher public profile (it’s coming…I can feel it.)

I let it go and get to burlesque class and forget about it. 

And then later that night, I get this: 

  
So….now what?! 

I haven’t responded. 

I’m not sure how compatible I am with a security guard, as ambition and career path tend to be at the top of the list for my ideal match. 

I’m talking to several people right now (nothing serious yet), and have a first date tonight with an engineer I met on eHarmony. Mr. FBI came off as a little awkward and although he was kinda cute (kinda cute), I didn’t have any real sparks go off. 

What or how should I respond to this guy? I don’t want to leave him hanging but not sure what to say or do here. 

Thoughts??? Help!!!

Just…..UGH. Part I.

UpDATE on the Cardiologist aka “The Love Doctor” – After our brief phone conversation during lunch when he said he’d call me later that night b/c he really wanted to “get to know me better,” he never called.

The end.

If you’d like to re-read my blog post title posted at the top of this now, I’ll wait.

There are more flakes in the dating pool than you’ll find in a dandruff commercial. Isn’t that fantastic?? Happens a lot.

I let this one go and chalked it up to the fact that he’s better off fixing real hearts than potentially breaking mine. Besides, aren’t Doctors NEVER HOME??? It sounded good at first, but…I never heard from him again.

Ok, moving on.

UpDATE on Mr. Too-Young-Tyson-Beckford – Surprise! I bet you weren’t expecting this guy to pop back up!

By the way, for those of you who weren’t around two years ago when I first met this FINE young man, you should stop reading immediately and catch yourself up on that update and blast from the past.

For my faithful readers, first of all – TWO YEARS ALREADY?!

Wow, time is flying.

Also, wow, I’m still dealing with shenanigans and the sometimes fun and sometimes frustrating #singlelife.  Hence my blog post title – “Just…UGH.”

Second – last week I saw Mr. Too-Young-Tyson-Beckford.  Yes, in the FLESH, people! Jawbone, fresh hair cut, cheekbones, six-pack and all.  I swear on all things Holy (sorry, Jesus…but also, thank you) he is the most physically gorgeous man I’ve met.  And I’ve met a lot of beautiful people over the years of living here in Los Angeles, trust me.

I was flipping through my Plenty of Fish profiles (oh by the way – I re-downloaded that app after giving it a nice long vacation) when I noticed him noticing me.  His face popped up in my “Who’s Viewed You” section and I just smiled.  The memories quickly came back to me and it was like seeing a friendly, familiar face.  We ended on a good note.

We message each other with small talk.  One of his first questions – “Wait…what the HELL are YOU still doing single?!”

It was a great question, and two hours later he was at my place trying to figure it out for a Netflix and chill minus the Netflix but definitely the chill part night.  He ended up leaving around 2am after an interesting chain of events, mostly made up of both of us giving each other the standard Dr. Phil rundown.  How sad and also how scintillating.  It was refreshing to have such an open and honest conversation about dating, with someone from the opposite sex.

For someone so young (he’s two years older now but 29 and still not yet 30) he’s pretty wise and DEFINITELY even hotter than I left him that night standing on the curb, turning him down to come back to his place and Netflix and chill, minus the Netflix AND the chill (and we should ditch that reference cuz two years ago this dating phrase wasn’t even invented yet).  I digress.  He came over.  Shenanigans.

It’s clear he’s not my guy but I firmly believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  In dating, this applies, too, although most guys I’ve met are the shortest seasons you’ve ever seen when it’s all gloom and doom and cold, dull or not-quite-right weather.

His reason/season this time around was during our conversation where he told me something I’ve never heard before:

He said, “I think people see us and automatically think one thing of who we are.  But then we meet and we start talking and they realize they’ve got it all wrong.

For me, they see a good-looking guy who looks like he’d make a great dad and husband and someone who’d want to settle down, when really I just want to travel the world and not have kids.

For you, they see who you are and then you start talking and they realize you’re way more intimidating or powerful or intelligent or ambitious than they thought you’d be and they don’t know how to handle you.”

Boom.

Pretty much.

So that sucks, and Mr. Tyson almost made me tear up a bit as we were talking, too. Sad but true and honest assessment.

I’ve literally heard these exact words from two very successful men recently who both know me well.

One who was trying to go halves on a baby with me a few months ago (he was serious, and if I was trying to trap a multi-millionaire I’d be writing a very different blog post right now, but that’s the last thing I want to do) and the other a good, old, wise married man of whom you all may know if you know me IRL.

It’s very clear (and perfectly OK) with me that I’m all those qualities and traits he mentioned above because it’ll be all the more clear when the right man shows up.  He’ll see me, get to know me and it’ll make sense.  He won’t go running towards the hills, or just flake away like the leaves in the Fall, searching for someone better suited.

But until that day, just…UGH.

Catch Part II next…

 

The Love Doctor

So I met a heart doctor online. A cardiologist.

Heart-Doctor-2
I work for an online dating company.

How cool would it be if my guy ended up being in the world of hearts, too???

Our exchanges so far:

Messaging back and forth on the site.

Moving it offline and exchanging cell numbers.

Texting back and forth a few times with “Good morning, sexy…” etc

He says he wants to get to know me and can’t wait to talk further.

A few more days pass.

(This is the time when people either drop off or make a move.)

And then today – he CALLS! I was busy working so I let him leave a message.

His voicemail:

“Hi there, it’s (his name).  I just called to say I hope you’re having a great day!…

I was serious about what I said – I’d really like to get to know you better.

You’re beautiful and smart.  Exactly what I’m looking for….”

BIG SMILES.

I called him back during lunch to quickly thank him for calling.  He was at the gym and we agreed to talk later tonight.

So….yep.

Stay tuned!

Sometimes you gotta just cut someone…

People treat us the way we allow them to.

I rarely cut people off, but today I got my scissors OUT.  #done

If it’s not working out with a guy I’m involved with I typically have a respectful bowing out type of communication. I never get angry or bitter. I never call him out on his BS or get into any deep conversations where we discover why the two of us went wrong. It’s usually a respectful, adult-like parting of ways. (Even though so many guys really should have the riot act read to them for simple things like not knowing how to pick up the phone, or how to properly court someone they’re interested in.) Dating these days has gone to the dogs with some people!

Journey with me back to Friday of last week…

First of all, you should know that 99.9% of the time I can’t relate to the term “thirsty.” (Urban dictionary’s definition of “thirsty” found here.) But that .10% of the time that I am feeling parched forgive me. I’m only human.

In my moment of weakness, I reached out to someone who I’ve been seeing off and on since January. We haven’t seen each other in two months or so but last we talked it was clear we both wanted to see what could happen with us.
He’s a more serious type of guy and so our conversations were always very real and very deep when they went there. He even mentioned I’d be a really great wife. He’s a good Christian guy and heavily involved in the church, which is something I find attractive.  Not necessary, but helpful to share a similar background.

And the man is ambitious.

Besides him being a chivalrous gentleman, a musician and scholar, his ambition was one of the things I found most attractive.

He’s starting another business.  You know I love those entrepreneur types.

He’s always out of town, or running from place to place driving somewhere – one of the reasons why plans are never made.

Because I’m more traditional, and love a man to take the initiative and be masculine and show up as a leader, I typically let the guy take charge in making plans to see me.

I don’t sit back and wait all the time, but typically I’ll reach out to people who I really enjoy their company, and when we may have something potential going. I understand that people are busy here in Los Angeles and that dating sometimes takes the back seat (for real, though), so I don’t mind reaching out to people to get the ball rolling again.  Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out on their radar.

So Friday, I found myself in a rare situation with absolutely no plans set for the weekend. I reach out to Mr. Busy to see if he was around for the weekend. To my surprise he responded quickly and asked what I was up to. He told me that he had tentative plans for the weekend. His boys were having a kickoff football party in San Diego this weekend and he was just waiting to hear if his friend’s wife would let him go on the trip.  So far she wasn’t having it..

I was pretty blunt and clear when I said I wanted to see him. (remember, I was feeling the thirst, ya’ll)

He got the message and given our past and crazy chemistry together, he excitedly said, “Yes, let’s make plans.”

He was a few hours away, working on closing a big deal for his business so he said he would hit me up when he was on his way back to Los Angeles.

I went home after work and did a bunch of stuff.  Around 9:30p I realized he still hadn’t called so I sent him a message. He apologized that it was so late in getting back to me, that he had just finished up the paperwork and was headed back home. He said he’d call me when he got there.

He never did.

Saturday afternoon comes around.

I sent him a message,  “Get home okay last night?”

Hours go by. No answer.

In the meanwhile I was having a glorious day by myself. I took myself shopping, bought some great things and truly enjoyed the relaxing day in the sun walking around by the beach.

It’s now Saturday evening.

I’m trying to stay patient at this point now that half of the weekend is already over and we still haven’t touched base about what plans we’re going to make. So I laugh it off and try to be cute hoping he’d respond.

“Wow! You are super ghost! Lol” (Urban dictionary’s definition of “going ghost” found here.)

Hours past. STILL NO ANSWER FROM HIM.

Luckily, my single life rocks and after a full day of shopping, I spent Saturday night on Blab.im, (basically like Skype with multiple people..it’s new, it’s awesome).  My friends and I from all over the country had a great time laughing and talking to each other.  We all made our own cocktails and said “Cheers” to each other virtually.  It was a blast!

The next morning I wake up, and had totally forgotten that dude hasn’t hit me up yet.  At this point, I’m not disappointed but shaking my head.  Typical.

I enjoy another relaxing day and end up lounging by the pool that afternoon where I eventually send him another message.

I let it go that he may or may not ever respond at this point, but he did.

It was typical and looking back at his behavior I shouldn’t have expected any different.

I couldn’t take it (my texts are in green below):

image

Oh, you gonna still make me an option, not a priority? And over the Baltimore Ravens?! Oh HELL, NO!

DONE.

Snip, snip. Deuces!

Moving on!

So, guys, what do you think? Was I too harsh? Not harsh enough? (And no, it’s been 7 hours and I know he saw the message from me, but the fool hasn’t even responded back yet.) SMH, ya’ll.

UpDATE: The Final (Sad) Chapter of Mr. Bodybuilder

So I’ll make this short and sweet cuz there’s a blog a lot of you are waiting to read about The Doc, too…

I’ll try to wrap up the culmination and eventual cold-turkey end to the once seemingly perfect relationship I had with Mr. Bodybuilder.  If you need catching up, go HERE, because the last time I blogged – everything was AMAZING!

hull-gym-weights

Long story short, I learned a long time ago that it’s a choice of ours to surround ourselves with who we want.  And for me, I choose to surround myself with happy, positive people.  Negative Nancys and Debbie Downers can take a seat. #byefelicia This applies to men, too.

Sadly, Mr. Bodybuilder experienced a setback in his career as a personal trainer that ultimately sent him into a downward spiral of negativity that I’ve rarely seen from anyone before.  Either that, or I eventually had a veil lifted from my hazy perspective of who I thought he was and/or the “clashing” we always encountered from Day 1 (being that I’m a ray of sunshine and he’s a dark cloud most days) just finally came to light and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Our workouts were on point still, but then I had to take a week long break to travel to a conference out of state.

During this week he was forced to leave the gym he’d built as a home for 20+ years and find another.  Luckily he found one only a few blocks from my office, so I happily switched over and continued to train with him.

But as the days went on, his negative perspective on life, along with his edgy and paranoid personality, only became more apparent.  He became defensive and cold and the support and fun we once shared in (and outside) of the gym, came to a screeching halt.

I would be my fun, playful and sometimes flirty self around him, and he’d shut me down, mock me or remain stone-faced. Something had changed.

There were a few times where I had unintentionally said or done something harmless but it would set him off like a nuclear bomb.  The man’s temper was no joke and after trying to deal with it for several weeks, I eventually hit my limit.

I was exhausted from the walking on eggshells and trying to maintain my motivation to keep showing up to the gym 6-7 times a week, and to meet with him for private sessions 4x week.  It’s hard enough to self-motivate yourself going to the gym and to stay on track if you’re trying to lose weight, so someone who says, “I’m literally not going to be your cheerleader…” doesn’t exactly help.

One night after a tough session, I was determined to take the positive route and was being fun and playful on our way out of the gym after we had finished. He was kinda playing back, as he had been on and off during the session that night. I thought – progress! But as we walked to our cars I playfully tripped and knocked into him and he lost his shit.  He called me disrespectful, said that I was always looking to cause him trouble and that I was constantly a problem for him.

Now, ask anyone who knows me, that’s hard to buy.  I love to have fun and 99% of the time I’m a happy person.

I also know the personal issues he’s been having in his life and how in most cases when a person is angry at you for nothing, it’s never about you.  It’s about them.

That night left me in tears and pain and I made the decision to terminate the remainder our our training sessions, and ultimately our friendship.
I refuse to have such toxic people in my life, even if at one time they tried to help.

I communicated this to him the next day and of course he was defensive.  After bringing up multiple examples of how his actions and words were hurtful towards me over the past month, he refused to take responsibility so we went our separate ways.

I was hurt and sad and felt like I had lost one of my best friends, but you know what? My mental health and sanity is just as important as my physical health.

It turns out he helped me lose 25 lbs in 60 days and for that I’m grateful.  It was a great kickstart to my journey to get in better shape and I continue to work out on my own.

I tell ya what…the lessons we learn in life are something else! People come into it for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  Looking back, I think Mr. Bodybuilder was here for two reasons:

1.) to help me start my weight loss journey and remember what strength I have inside me as a former athlete, and
2.) to remind me that I have the power to choose who I want around me – good or bad.

It’s been 2 months since that last night at the gym and my life has improved significantly.  In fact, I ended up removing 3 people in total from my life who I thought were friends but really weren’t healthy for me to be around.  I’m in a much better place now. 🙂

UpDATE: Mr. Bodybuilder

Life hasn’t slowed down any but I wanted to share a quick update on recent shenanigans!

If you recall in my last blog about meeting a hunky man of muscles and fitness last September, you’ll remember me saying that I don’t workout and that over the years since playing sports in school I had gotten out of shape.  In that blog from September, I had no intentions of changing any of that and felt really confident in my skin regardless.

Well who would thunk it – I’m 8 weeks into a 3-month long personal training package with none other than Mr. Bodybuilder.  And I’m rockin’ it!

Yep.

I joined Gold’s Gym in Venice, CA.

“The Mecca of Bodybuilding.”

(There’s even a huge sign that says that hanging on the building outside.  In case I needed a reminder and couldn’t get it by watching dudes and chicks with massive muscles piling in through the doors 24/7.)

image

It was my choice.  My idea.

Mr. Bodybuilder just promised a safe and fun (and educational) way to get back in shape.

And guess what?

I LOVE IT and we have SO MUCH FUN.

So this might seem like the typical story where a personal trainer guy is sleeping with his client who he met on a dating site and now trains her, but nope.

We’re no longer dating.  After 3 months from that initial date, I had decided over time that he wasn’t the guy for me. I had to let him down, despite his constant efforts to try and show me how we would be amazing together. 

We were too different and as much fun as we had together, we clashed just as much.

It’d take me hours to fill you in on what our dynamic is like, but for now, just know Mr. Bodybuilder is still a major part of my life.

We’re also in a similar place. We both aren’t interested in dating anyone now and are taking time to work on ourselves individually.

But – I’m pretty sure I love him.

For so many reasons, and on many different levels.

But not the dreamy, starry-eyed, infatuation kind of romantic love.

The kind of love that is recognized and developed only after having gone through something challenging together, realizing that the other person not only stays through the tough parts but draws you closer to them and loves you even harder despite the obstacles you’re facing (ie – for me, it’s conquering weight loss and changing my lifestyle to a completely different one with healthy food and exercise).

This man has seen me cry, get super frustrated, sad, lonely, discouraged and more.

In a world where I keep it together 99% of the time and have no reason to really ever get upset, he sees me crack.

He’s heard me cuss him out, has watched me walk out of 2 different sessions with him in the gym because I was feeling embarrassed or defeated and he always, ALWAYS gives me my space then comes after me to console, uplift and get me back on track.

He’s amazing.

And I’m special to him. Still.

When I’m not upset or frustrated at myself or struggling in the gym, I’m laughing, smiling, and flirting with him in between sets. And there’s way more of that stuff going on than the emotional stuff.  Thank God.

We have the most fun out of anyone in that gym, I swear.

And our lives together still exist outside of the gym.  We grab lunch together, he comes to my office with his very adorable American Bulldog, and we sometimes hang out on the weekends.

I see him about 8x a week because I live in the gym now and typically go workout in the am before work and then see him 4x a week in the evenings for our personal training sessions. He’s there a lot, either working out himself or training other clients.

When we’re not at the gym, we’re on WhatsApp sharing voice notes (he has the MOST sexy voice, people), progress pictures,  silly memes or texts about our day and the goings-on in our lives.

We’re super close. It’s like we’re married, minus the sex. Weird, but we both are content with what it is right now.

So, this story isn’t over.

I’m sure the best is yet to come…whatever that may be. 🙂

Help me out here! Vote below on what I should do tonight…

So if you recall my last blog, I shared stories of 3 different guys who were more flaky than a dandruff commercial.  And I predicted that one would pop back up.

Guess who just popped back up?! The guy in the middle of the flaky-sandwich-story. Guy #2 if you go back and read.

Of COURSE he’s sorry, said he lost his phone, needed a break anyway (from life??) and just got it back (it’s been about a month), and OF COURSE he wants to see me.  Tonight.

After reading him the riot act about how he literally blew me off (again) and how that made me upset (who wouldn’t be?), he apologizes and says:

“Baby let’s focus on the present and future now…”

“I apologize my love and I’m truly sorry.  I will make it up to you.  Tonight when I see you…”

SO.  I haven’t responded yet and need your advice on what to do.  Tonight is the only night I have open all week, actually.

Let me know what you think!

(And a little history on this guy in case you didn’t read the backstory: We had our first date several months ago.  I had pain on our date but ignored it.  Next day I was admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery.  He tried to bring me flowers but wasn’t allowed b/c his name wasn’t on the list.  He reached out during my recovery which was sweet and then eventually made plans when I was better, which he bailed on.  Twice.  And now he’s back.  Still interested.)

When nothing’s going right, go left.

Hi faithful Shenanigans followers and newbies to the blog!

It seems I have a problem keeping you all updated frequently. A real problem.

And it’s not for lack of stories.  Much, much, MUCH has been going on in the dating life of this 30-something woman living life in Los Angeles. And life is super busy.

The last thing on my mind has been to put some effort into writing down my stories, and I’ve realized:

1. I’m on a computer and my phone all day at work.
2.  All day long I get paid to talk about dating and relationships.
3.  At the end of the day when I finally have free time, the last thing I want to do is get on my computer or phone and talk about dating and relationships. Especially my own.

But that’s a pretty common (sad) excuse that makes me sound like an uber-lazy blogger, so I decided to dig deeper.

I actually love to write, and I love that you all love to read these stories.

So what’s the deal? Why am I leaving ya’ll hanging on the hook?

And THEN, I realized:

1. I’m (still) super paranoid that one of the guys will find out about this blog and I’ll feel like I betrayed them by sharing stories…even though no names are shared, not even mine.

2. I’m tired of the broken record of “Welp, it didn’t work out with him, because…”

It’s probably more this second reason that brings my heart to a halt.

It’s exhausting sometimes. The odds are not good here.

And even though there are MANY happy times and highlights along this glamorous journey of life and being single in the city, it’s tough, too.

Now, granted, I of all people understand that finding the love of your life doesn’t happen overnight.  Heck, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve written that to someone in the trenches of dating I’d be able to retire.

Or at least buy you all a steak dinner.

So I know that meeting a lot of guys until I find that “keeper” is par for the course.

Fine.  I’m cool with that.

Just sometimes I wish I could telepathically share the juicy scenarios, sexy escapades and even the boring mundaneness (is that a word?) with you. Instead of crafting a well thought-out blog. 🙂

Make sense?

Ok, enough whining.  Please accept my apology and we’ll move right along so I can address the title of this blog post…

When nothing’s going right, go left.

After 2 weeks of guy after guy flaking on me, I had put my foot down (instead of shoving it up someone’s very rude, unaware, narcissistic ass).

Trust me. Much better option.  Keep reading.

Typically guys don’t flake on me, and I never let it get to the point of me sitting alone at a restaurant but something has been in the water lately.  A lot of them seem to have no respect for my time.

See, I’m a planner. I like to know what time and where we’re meeting up.

I’m not a control freak,  though.  Mind you, I didn’t say I need a minute-by-minute itinerary that needs to be approved first before I accept your invitation.

No, I’m just talking about getting the basic details so I can plan accordingly.  For example,

“Dinner. Thursday night. 7:30pm. I’m coming from work so let’s just meet at the restaurant.”

That isn’t difficult, is it?

No. No, my friends.  That’s not difficult.

But I swear it’s been like pulling teeth to get guys here lately to make a plan. Gah!

#drivesmecrazy

Here’s what I get (via text or message) after we’ve exchanged several messages and have figured we’re both attracted to each other and want to meet up:

“Yeah we should definitely meet up sometime soon.  I know a great margarita place in the middle of the two of us.”

Me: “Yeah, that’d be great…!”

And then….

Crickets.

Wth?!

Hours pass.  Days pass.

Oh, wait.  A text: “Hello beautiful!”

Smh.

Ummmm….you see?

Now, he obviously did want to see me. He knew we both like margaritas and that we both live in two different towns.  So he made the effort to put those two thoughts together and come up with a place, yet he mentions no time. No specifics.  No name of the restaurant.  No asking.

So I get frustrated and figure he’s busy and/or not that interested.  If he was, he’d reach out and MAKE A PLAN.

Am I being unreasonable? This is basic Dating 101, yes?

I dunno, guys.

Here’s another example that also happened recently:

He’d been trying to see me for a second date for a good 6-8 weeks now.  Our first date was the night before I ended up the next day in the hospital for emergency surgery, so with the recovery time added up, I wasn’t really available. But he was persistent and kept in touch.

Fast forward, I was all better and back to single and mingling so I reached back out to let him know I was good to go and wanted to see him again, too.

He’s excited and so he eventually asks if I’m available that Friday.

Yes, I am!

Great!

I let him know I’d love to know the details of what time and where we’d meet.  He says he’ll let me know.

And then hours pass. And then days.

And before you know it, it’s Thursday.  So I reach out to him to see if we’re still on.

He lets me know that we’ll do dinner at 8pm and sends me an address of a restaurant.

Yay! Progress.

So it’s Friday and I reach out to confirm during the day.

No answer.

As I’m leaving work at 6:30p to head home,  he texts:

“I have a meeting I’m about to go into.  Won’t make dinner. Can you still meet at 10pm or 11pm?”

I’m almost crashed my car.

NO, #&% $?! I CAN NOT DO DINNER AT 11PM. ARE YOU CRAZY?!

What kind of date is that?!

I waited until I arrived home to respond:

“No. Thanks for letting me know.”

He senses I’m pissed. He doesn’t know that I turned down dinner plans earlier in the week with someone else because we had plans already.

“Babe, don’t be mad.  I have to work on Fridays…”

Me: “Then why the hell did you schedule a dinner date when you knew you had to work?”

(No response)

Smh.

The story gets worse because he actually reached out the next week and the SAME thing happened, but probably worse.

He’s in the white. I’m green:

image

And he NEVER RESPONDED.

I haven’t heard from him since, actually. And Lord knows I’m just waiting for him to pop back up like everything is all good. Ha!

Smh.

But THIS ONE…this last example. ..is the one that really takes the cake.

So those of you who I’m friends with on Facebook may recall a picture of me all giddy and dolled up a few weeks back. I had snuck a selfie while on a date with a Facebook Software Engineer.

My Prince Charming.

Successful, fun, brilliant, charming, French, and only drank Voss and Veuve Clicquot.

Needless to say, we had a VERY fun weekend together, basking in the sun of Laguna Beach as we got to know each other better.

A few failed attempts to make dinner plans that next week due to busy work schedules and us living pretty far apart (like, a good 2 hrs in traffic), we finally lock down a time on Thursday.

He asks me to pick a place and make 7:30pm reservations.

Reservations?!

Dang. No one makes reservations in LA unless you’re serious and going somewhere nice.

So I’m excited. There’s commitment there.

It’s finally Thursday at 6p and he calls to let me know he just got out of a meeting…

“How’s traffic?” he asks.

“I just checked. You’re good actually.  You’ll even make it before our 7:30pm reservations…”

Him: “Are you sure? Oh, ok…well..ok…I’ll be on my way then…”

Me, sensing hesitancy: “Yeah?….ok….”

Him: “Yeah…I’ll see you in a bit.”

We hang up and it sounds good! I’m more excited now.

So some time passes and I text him to check on the traffic.

No response.

Hmm, that’s strange. He usually responds.

So I call him.  After all, he’s driving.

No response.

Hmmmm…

I wait awhile longer and notice the clock ticking away toward 7:00pm, and then eventually…it’s 7:15pm.

I’m at home, still in my dress and heels I had worn to work that day. Waiting.

Now, I’m nervous and slightly agitated.

So I call him again, and…

NO RESPONSE!

WTH?!

I send one more text at 7:20pm letting him know I was going to have to call the restaurant to cancel our table.

Stillll. No. Response.

At 7:20pm I dial the fancy French restaurant and cancel the reservation with MY name on it.  I feel like a shmuck.

I lie and tell them we got stuck in traffic. They’re sorry we won’t be able to make it.

Yeah. Me, too.

And then I hang up, change clothes, and storm out of my place.  I go on a very fast-paced walk. To a pizza place that has wine.

And I drink and eat pizza and stew.

SMH.

WHO DOES THAT?!

Who literally says “I’ll see you in a bit” and then never even shows up, let alone texts or calls to let you know they can’t make it.

And here’s the kicker:

We met on Plenty of Fish. Every time your matches log in to check a message or what have you, it says, “Online now” under their picture.

While I aggressively chew my pizza, I log into POF.

Guess who was “online?”

Yep. Mr. Jackass.

I was furious.

Not only did he blow me off and totally flake on me, he’s talking to other women when we had plans at that exact moment.

The next morning I send a furious text of “Care to explain yourself???”

He replies, “Yes. I’ll call you later.”

He NEVER calls. Big shock, I know.

But the CRAY CRAY part is that about 3 days later he sends me a text on Saturday AM that says, “Good morning, beautiful. (insert cheesy smiley face here)”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!

So, ladies and gentlemen.

When nothing’s going right, go left.

That weekend I deleted all of my dating profiles (besides eHarmony) and threw up my hands.

The audacity and total lack of respect for my time and effort in really wanting to get to know someone has not been equally matched.

I’m no longer interested in meeting people who I can’t tell right away if they’re serious about meeting and have some decent sense of character and integrity.

Lord, help me.

#dropsmic