Humans Are Like Broken Glasses

Here are my thoughts on Love, Dating & Divorce:

The thing about us humans is that we’re all broken. Like strong, clear, drinking glasses that break, leaving sharp edges dangerous enough to cut other people. Some have small chips, while others have fallen from the shelf and have shattered onto the floor into several pieces.

Most of the stuff that breaks people happens in childhood or as a young adult, much too early to know we’re even made of glass let alone how to recognize our broken parts afterwards.

Other breaks happen throughout our adulthood and according to stats, over 50% of us have endured the tragic break of a divorce.

Single or not, we’re human. It’s impossible to go through life without somehow enduring some pain. On the opposite side of love and joy, it’s part of the human experience.

So as we’re single, we walk around this planet as adults, bumping into other broken glasses. Some of us stay clear of other glasses and sit our asses on the shelf. Others venture out of the cupboard and poke our heads out to look at the other glasses around us. And sometimes we find another glass we really like so we spend more time with it. Typically we see our reflection in certain glasses and are even more drawn towards these ones.

This is the interesting part.

Your glass might have a sharp edge, a jagged piece leftover from you being previously mishandled by a past lover. Or five. When you’re single and you get close to a new glass it’s dangerous territory. Unless you’ve taken the time to grab some water and sandpaper to smooth out those breaks from the past, you might have an adventurous road ahead.

Sometimes we’re blind to it because all we want is to be a perfect pair of two glasses, connected, functional, together.

Sooner or later two glasses touch, leaving the inevitable.

Maybe a slight prick of a sharp shard left on the glass. Or maybe it’s just a small cut. Or maybe a large gash that draws blood and causes even more damage.

In my journey of love, dating and relationships, I’ve learned two things:

1.) Anyone who’s made it past the 3rd grade has had their heart broken.

2.) Those who take the time to fix their glass the best they can after a break make the best partners.

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Meet “Scrubs” – First Date

“I met someone.”

Know what this is from?

Match.com’s latest marketing campaign.  There’s these cute commercials where they show scenarios of singles happily telling somebody (their grandma, their friend, their mom)….”I met someone.”

Imagine my shock when I decided to join, built my profile, started using the app, and then…I met someone.

We’ll call him “Scrubs.”

He works in Vascular Surgery (I had to Google that one) and has been at the same hospital here in LA for 17 years.  Divorced, three kids ages 19, 16 and 15.  He’s a full-time dad of the younger two.  His oldest daughter moved out recently.  He absolutely LOVES his kids to pieces and this is quoted in his Match.com profile.

We messaged back and forth on the app and then he gave me his number.  He immediately kept the conversation going and right away I saw this guy was different.  He asked such great questions – and ones that showed he wanted to actually get to KNOW me.

What a concept in dating!

Let’s take a quick pause for a moment…

For those of you who have been reading my dating adventures and single girl shenanigans, you may recall another man in scrubs who I’ve told you about in the past – The Doc.

For those who don’t know his backstory, I call this man my “One-Sided Soulmate” because as amazing as he was, and as well as how we two clicked and had gotten to know each other, he wasn’t ever looking for a long-term relationship.  This, ultimately, broke my heart, and there’s several very real and emotional blog posts about this medical hero here.

So right away, I think this new guy is different.  He’s actually looking for the same thing I am!

I was intrigued.

AND…

I was entertained.  He was funny and witty throughout the messages. Loved it!

That evening he was working late at the hospital and had a few mins to text.  I was home and I had mentioned it would be nice to hear his voice sometime soon.

(text from him)”Well, then you’ll probably be really happy I’m going to do something…”

And he calls.

Now, let’s pause for another moment.  For those of you not in the dating scene, I’m here to inform you that a real, legit phonecall where two humans exchange voices in conversation is rare.

With so many people dating online for casual fun and/or to play around (i.e. Tinder, etc) it’s unique when two people connect for something further than flirty texts and aimless words in messages.

Bonus points already.

Our first conversation was amazing.  First of all, he’s HYSTERICAL.

I mean, I was almost crying laughing over the funny stuff he was saying and truth-be-told, I was holding in my laughter a few times b/c I was not about to lose my shit on the phone with this guy and really let him hear how loud I can get when I’m REALLY laughing hard.  (Ask my son…he knows) I was also super nervous and that makes me laugh more.  Awkward.

We’re chatting a good bit and then I hear him get paged.  He asks for me to hang on a second…and then I hear him make a call to some nurse for some order for some patient for some test or something or other they need him to do.  The patient was on her way down to see him, so he had to go.

We smiled, said goodbye and hung up.

Oh boy, I liked him.

As I pictured him wearing scrubs, I wondered when we’d meet.  I already knew that was something I wanted.

A few hours later, around 9:30p, he texted me:

“Hey beautiful, what are you up to?”

Long story short, he had wanted to see me, and even though he was done at work he was still on-call but was wondering if I was free.

Now, let’s talk about another dating “no-no.”

Last minute planning.

Typically I hate that.  I’m a planner and I like to know what’s going on in advance.

But, here’s this guy who works long hours in a hospital, is a full-time dad and is asking me what I was doing (which was nothing, just chilling at home on a weeknight).

I threw my standard out the window and we made plans to meet.

Seize the day, baby!

Some quick 45-minutes later (thank God for the invention of dry shampoo), I pulled into the Mexican restaurant he had suggested we meet at.

It was Casa Vega, a popular spot in the Valley that has a dark, sexy atmosphere inside.

I beat him by a few mins and as he texted me that he was on his way, I got super nervous.

Another reason I knew this guy was special.  I hardly ever get nervous on first dates!

A few minutes pass and I see him walking toward the bench I was sitting on outside.

He’s so cute! What a smile…

And taller than me! (mentally raises hands to roof…I’m 5’10” and secretly rejoicing)

We do the awkward first greeting hug and we make awkward small chat as we enter and they seat us.

Now I’m extra nervous b/c that first impression was a great one.

We sit and he’s full of compliments – he tells me I’m beautiful and look great. He’s almost shocked and it’s the cutest thing to see him smile so big.  He was funny and had me laughing already, which somewhat put me at ease.

The next hour was spent sharing stories about things in life, him asking MORE great questions about my childhood and my siblings and their names and where I’ve traveled and just more about who I am.  I’m asking the same in return and as we get to know each other, it becomes more and more surreal.

It was easy.  We clicked right away.

I’ve been on dates before where I’m enjoying the other person’s company, but Scrubs was truly entertaining and so fun to be sitting there with, sipping on our margaritas as I picked nervously at my lobster quesadilla (we BOTH chose to order the same thing, btw, without the other person knowing that’s what we’d wanted…stay tuned for more unreal similarities).

It’s getting later (around 11:30p now) and people are leaving the restaurant.  All of a sudden he gets paged.

He reaches for his waist and pulls his pager out to look at it.

Like, a REAL PAGER!

My jaw must have dropped to the ground – I find it so fascinating that people still use pagers in 2017.  He tells me it’s fail-safe! That’s why.

He apologizes and gets out his phone to call the hospital.

I sit there, staring at this completely new situation, with a half-smile on my face and fascination in my eyes.

This dude is important.

I hear some medical talk that I don’t understand, and then him saying, “Ok…yep.  I’m on my way.  Ok….sure thing.  I’m on my way.”

At this point, scenes from “Grey’s Anatomy” come racing into my brain and I’m expecting him to jump up from the table, have me pay the check as he hops over the booth and exits left.

Well, folks, it ain’t Hollywood and he just hangs up the phone and sits there all calm, taking a sip of his cocktail. He’s also not an ER doctor so I suppose this is helpful here.
“Ummm….,” I stammer. “Do you need…to go?” I look concerned.

“Well they’re trying to interrupt my hot date.  That’s not cool,” he laughs.

He tells me it’s fine and reassures me he doesn’t have to leave that very moment.

He’s smiling and so cute and trying his best to not be annoyed that his hot date is literally going to have to come to an end soon.

We continue eating and conversation.  A few minutes later a guy from the valet outside comes around to our table with some car keys.

“Mercedes?” he asks.

Oh shoot.  That’s mine.  I guess it’d gotten so late they wanted to close and I hadn’t paid yet.

“Sorry!”

I motion for the keys and reach for my wallet.

Scrubs is quicker than me and graciously gives the guy money in exchange for my keys.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I exclaimed, but SUPER touched at the gesture.

“No, it’s ok. I’m happy to,” he says and I melt a little.

It’s the little things that I love.  Like being thoughtful here.  I parked in valet, it was my choice and would have totally paid it, but I could tell this guy was old-fashioned and a total gentleman.  Loved it!

We get the bill a bit later, finished our drinks and after he paid (again, I offered, he declined), we headed out.

He walked me to my car and as we got closer I was thinking two things:

  1.  Is he going to kiss me goodnight?
  2. Shouldn’t he be running to the hospital right now?!

I opened my door and threw my purse and jacket in.

He reaches to give me a hug…and a kiss.

First one, then two. Then a third.

Cute, quick, very sweet kisses.

We’re both smiling so hard right now and would win the award for “Best Successful First Date” if someone was handing out trophies.

We say goodbye and as I got in my car and started to drive home, I put my hand over my mouth to try and contain my excitement with this goofy grin on my face.

I had stopped at a stoplight and looked over – someone was trying to get my attention.

It was Scrubs!

He was in the lane next me, smiling through his window looking at me.

As my light turned green and I turned left, I smiled back and watched his shiny, black BMW drive out of sight.

Oh, boy.

I knew I was in a good kind of trouble, because, well…

I met someone.

 

 

They always come back. Big UpDATE on “Mr. Harvard.”

It’s 2017 already.  Dang. Time has been flying by as I live my life here in the City of Angels.

I’m currently at the Spa.  Just had an amazing body scrub and oil massage, followed by a delicious lunch.  I have the day off of work so I decided to scrub away all the icky parts of 2016 and start anew.


Last night I went out with some friends and one of them (a faithful male reader of this blog) asked when I was going to write about more shenanigans.

Instead of writing all the stories that’ve happened over the past 6 months or so (there are TOO MANY to share!), I decided to just give you a re-cap on someone you may recall from quite awhile ago…

Here ya go, my faithful readers!

Harvard.

Remember “Mr. Harvard?” If not, you should click here to get caught up or, for a re-fresh on the backstory.  It’s a good one.

He’s a match of mine from eHarmony.  An engineer who I thought was the best suited match and most compatible person for me I’ve met in years, but who wasn’t ready for a serious relationship when we met and had just moved to LA and wanted to “window shop.”  Since I’m looking for more than a short term lease, I had to let him go.

Well sometimes life has to happen and time has to pass us by before we recognize the reason, season or lifetime explanation of why we were meant to meet someone.

I think my meeting Harvard became clear over the holidays.

Let me catch you up first…

Although I don’t think we’re a great match now (or maybe ever?), we re-connected several months back.  After going our separate ways back in early 2016, we hadn’t really spoken.

But I ended up really missing him, so I reached out a few months back just to touch base.
He was glad to hear from me!

We ended up meeting for drinks to catch up.

We sat on a couch by a fire pit that overlooked the Pacific Ocean in Santa Monica at the swanky Loews Hotel.  Just my vibe.

As the lights of the Santa Monica pier danced in the background, I wrapped myself up in a blanket and tried not to get wrapped up in his enormous smile and charming yet awkward personality. It was SO good to see him.  We still had crazy chemistry.

He was seeing someone casually, he said, but I could tell he wasn’t into her.

He was interested in my story, of course, and told him I was dating a model, but nothing serious there.

He about flipped his lid and demanded to see pics of this so-called “model.”

I thought his jealousy and laughter and authentic shock was cute.  He clearly wanted to see where/how he measured up.

Guys and their ego, I tell you….smh.  I had no intention of shoving this guy’s pics in Harvard’s face.  That would be cold.

But, like a dog with a bone, and after much pushing and persuading from Harvard, I finally relented and showed him a few pics of the guy I had been seeing casually for several months.

He saw pics of who I call “Model Mayhem” – his jaw hit the ground.

Some pics were from us in Vegas for a fun weekend getaway – we were dressed to the nine’s one night.  EVERYONE stared at us when we went out that night and it was fun to have so many people look at us, wondering who we were.  I have GREAT pics. 🙂

Bad idea for Harvard, but he asked for it.
(Guys – don’t ever do this to yourselves.  Just don’t.)

I felt awkward, of course, and immediately Harvard felt inadequate.   Since we had been hinting around the fact Harvard and I had dated and admittedly had something serious, even if for a brief period of time, I could tell this threw him off.

I re-assured him that if I had to choose between Model Mayhem and him, I’d choose him every time. (True, actually).

While Model Mayhem is successful, ambitious and extremely handsome, I still think I’m better suited with someone like Harvard – super intelligent, hard-working, creative and good-looking with an amazing smile.

He didn’t believe me, but whatever.

The flirting continued and he eventually let it go as the fire crackled in front of us.

We caught up on what’s going on with work and our pursuits of advancing our careers here in Los Angeles – something we both have very much in common.  The quintessential “Power Couple” I envision for my future is in Harvard and me.

His phone buzzed and a former classmate from Harvard came across the street to meet us for a quick few minutes.  It was fun to meet her, and see him interact with someone who knew him back in the day.

After she left, we continued to chat, and then later another friend of his stopped by (popular guy, popular city).  This time a Yale Business School graduate and financial analyst.  He was a cool dude, too, and we all had a great time chatting about LA, music and life in our 30s.

I do love the smart peeps.  Education is important to me in a match.  Although you might have a stereotype in your mind of what these people look like, they are hardly nerds.  Everyone is sexy, cultured, smart.  I dig it, Ivy Leaguers.

Fast forward another hour and two more rounds of drinks later, the night was still young and Harvard invited us both back to his place nearby to crack open a bottle of Patron.

I was digging Harvard, so I happily went with the extended plans for the evening ahead.

Fast forward to about three rounds of shots later (OMG….why?!), I was in no condition to drive and so I spent the night.
Shenanigans.

Time for breakfast.

We walked to his new favorite breakfast spot, hungover and still punch drunk on the crazy chemistry we clearly both have.

I had never been to this place, but it looked perfect.

I then had a pretty good chuckle when the hostess greeted us at the door and said, “Hey guys! Welcome back.”

As she seated us, I just smiled, recognizing she thought I was another woman he’d brought there before, and said, “No….lol.  Not me.  Just him.  I’m new.” (wink)

She felt SO embarrassed and left us quickly with two menus and awkwardness.

I looked at Harvard, who was looking for my reaction.

I smiled coyly and said, “Such a shame the other one wasn’t memorable enough….”

He laughed and we took our water glasses and said “Cheers.”

Conversation continued over our food and we danced around the idea of “us” for the the next hour.

His hesitancy was real, for a couple reasons, including that his ex-wife of 7 years ago recently wanted to take some of his money for an investment he had made money on during their marriage many years prior.  His lawyer said he would have to pay her.

Definitely gun-shy and obviously torn between trusting women and otherwise just throwing his hands in the air.

Besides, I was dating a model.

“What could you possibly see in me?”

I just rolled my eyes and took another bite of food.

Well, since I’m never one to have to convince someone that I like them when I’ve said it til I’m blue in the face, I let it go.

We still ended breakfast on a good note.

As we went our separate ways, he told me I look good with no makeup on (can we just pause for the fact that I went out in public with NO MAKEUP ON the next morning in Los Angeles?! I’m wifey material just for that simple fact, right?? Actually, Harvard makes me feel so comfortable that I didn’t think much about it when leaving the house that morning.)

I told him to keep in touch, but knew in my heart it wasn’t meant to be.  I want a confident man who’s not afraid to fight for me and let his feelings be known.  I know Harvard likes me, but he’s too scared. Or, I’m simply not “The One.” Either way…

I’m not a damsel in distress, but dang, can someone PLEASE climb up the tower and rescue a princess in this lifetime? Guys in Los Angeles barely make the effort to start a conversation after they’ve swiped right, much less scale a turret.

Ok, you’re caught up on the backstory.  Which brings us to the “WHY” of why I think Harvard ever came into my life at all.

Fast forward a few more months and my son, 15, is discussing with me ideas about where he wants to go to college.

We’ve visited a few campuses in California, but guess where he has his sights set on?

Yep.

Harvard.

Now that’s a hard school to get into! My son has top grades and is in honors classes and quite the little genius himself (Thank you, God, for such a blessing in this child), but what does it even take??? How do you actually get INTO Harvard??
As his mom, it’s my job to help prepare him for life as an adult.  I had to figure this one out.

It clicks for me.

Maybe I could get Harvard to talk to him!

I never have my son meet guys I’m dating because that’s only really appropriate once things are more serious and established.

But!

We weren’t dating any longer.

This was different.

My son is also older now and more than capable of taking this type of a meeting.

I had offered to buy Harvard coffee in exchange for talking to my son about the application process and any special insight he could give him as a Harvard alum.  He was thrilled that I asked and more than happy to help out.

And so over Christmas break, my son met Harvard.

They both really hit it off, and as Harvard shared more of his experience and journey, he also became inspired by my son’s ambitions to be one of the world’s next great leaders.

As I sat to the side of them, quietly listening while sipping my latte, the thought came to me that perhaps THIS was the reason why I had been introduced to Harvard in the first place.

That a year later, it perhaps wasn’t meant for him and I to be together romantically, but that a bond had grown strong enough in a friendship that he wanted to help shape the potential important future of my son.

And that, folks, is why I never try to burn bridges or hold grudges when things don’t work out with guys I’ve dated.

If there’s mutual respect from both parties, you just never know how things could progress in the future.

Who knows if my son will go to Harvard.  I’ll support him no matter what he decides and no matter what he aims for in life.

And who knows what will happen to me and Harvard (we did just have lunch, randomly, two days ago…I was in his hood so I text him ‘hello’ and he came to meet me.)

But I know in my heart that pivotal meetings like the one we had on Montana Ave on December 24th, 2016 between my son, myself and Harvard will stay with us forever.

And for that, I’m grateful.

Until next time, my friends…

Thanks so much for reading.  You rock.

Hugs xoxo

Dating Online is like…


Online dating. 

Sigh. 

Actually, just dating in general (I do meet people in real life, too.)

Another sigh. 

I often flip flop between “Kill me now” and the above meme. 

There are sooo many stories in between these posts that I haven’t had a chance to share. A popular dating app, Plenty of Fish, got it right:

There are…

PLENTY

OF

FISH!

Particularly in Los Angeles, CA. 

It’s one of the reasons why I believe it’s been a challenge for me to find one and only one great match for me who’s looking for a monogamous, longterm relationship. 

There are so many choices!

On both sides of the coin. 

And I’m finding the number of people who want to just casually date and not commit is much larger than those looking to lock someone down from the pond.  

So while there are times I want to pull my hair out because another person lied, or another person flaked or another person and I hit it off but we’re better just in the friends category or another person tells me he’s married but so attracted to me…

I still hang in there. 

I still have hope. 

And I genuinely do enjoy my life, even if my relationship status on Facebook still says, “Single.”

Our First Date: Mr. Romeo + a Wine Bar

He makes a plan for us to meet.

And of COURSE the wine bar where we shall meet at is on no other street than “Harvard St.” I chuckled out loud when he sent me the address.  Such a coincidence and also quite appropriate.

I’m literally and figuratively moving from one match to another, with a good break in between.

Luckily, my experience with Mr. Harvard was nice but I’m past it now.  By meeting up with other guys since we’ve stopped talking two months ago (for instance, Mr. Romeo last night, and another great person-who-shall-remain-nameless-because-he-reads-this-blog I had dinner with last weekend, etc), it’s helped me to realize what other things I’m really looking for in a match.

So, as I usually say and feel, we’ll see what happens.  It’s early with Mr. Romeo.  But we had a GREAT first date…

He arrived looking extra fancy and all dressed up.  He’s in a black suit situation with a bright red pocket handkerchief and black Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses.  I’m wearing a cute dress and I’m glad we match the level of effort from the other.  You never know what you’ll get in LA.

We walk towards each other on the street and hugged while saying hello.
It’s that awkward/exciting moment when you first meet someone IRL (aka “in real life”).  I’ve done this a million times in my dating life by now and it’s pretty much second hat at this point.  I still feel the slight butterflies each time, though.  It’s a fun experience and one of the best parts of dating is meeting such interesting and cool people to get to know, albeit for perhaps a short time.

He knows the owners of the wine bar – two female friends who opened up the spot a few years ago – and he introduces me to one right when we’re seated.

They prepare for us a smashing wine flight and cheese pairing board, full of delicious types of cheeses, nuts, dried fruit, a bit of homemade pasta salad.  It’s fun to discover together what we like and he’s a foodie, too, so I’m happy about that.

We sat there for almost 3 hours!

Laughing and talking and carrying on, asking each other questions that ranged from what our favorite Disney movies were to how we could create an app to solve some problem and then create additional revenue from it together.

He’s just as charming in person as his letters were, although now I get to see him in front of me and hear his AMAZINGLY charming deep voice that matches his slow and easy demeanor.  He’s like an old-fashioned soul that met up with the modern world – a nice balance.

It’s getting late and it’s a “school night” so I say I must get going.  I head to the restroom and come back to see him paying the bill.

I always offer to chip in and when I offered he looked at me almost concerned and said, “What? Oh, baby girl.  Not at all.  You haven’t been dealing with THOSE types, have you??”

I just smiled and said, “You’d be surprised. But I always offer.  Thank you.” I do love a gentleman and always appreciate a man who pays, especially if he invites me to something more than coffee for the first date.

He made sure we were on for our next date that upcoming Saturday – the Renaissance Faire.  We had talked about it a few times on the phone the week prior to meeting.

He said he was going as a pirate and that I had to find a pirate wench costume to match. I confirmed.  I was actually really, really looking forward to it. 🙂

Later that night, I smiled thinking about our date while I laid in bed and ordered a costume from Amazon to be delivered the next day.  This was something I’ve never done before (especially on just a second date?!), but heck, I’m game for adventure and shenanigans.

I was stoked…

UpDate: Meet Mr. Romeo

As “Mr. Harvard” becomes a quick and distant memory and fades into the dark, other players on this stage of life are stepping into the spotlight. Auditions are currently being held…
And into the light comes a man who I’ll call Mr. Romeo, simply because of the way he’s been communicating with me so far online:

With actual WORDS! Multiple sentences! Long paragraphs, even.

A rare treat.

I’ll share excerpts below but first I must explain to you how TYPICAL communication goes on in the online dating space.

Boy sees girl’s profile. (And yes, “boys” can be in their 30s, 40s, even 50s).
He sends a message.
Usually it’s something along the lines of “Hey sexy” or “Hi beautiful. Howz your day” or my ultimate favorite: “hi.” Missing grammar and punctuation (and substance) and all.
Yes. That’s it. That’s the level of effort men usually put forth in their first message to a woman online.

Mind-blowing, I know. I understand the potential rejection, but am I really supposed to be intrigued by your simple message? It takes too much effort to string together a sentence or two? Noting something special you liked in my profile or pics? I never expect an essay but the guys completely stand out are the ones who write something extra. Big points.

Now, places like Tinder you expect this. Minimal effort in speaking is equal to the minimal effort it takes to make a profile:
Sync your profile with your Facebook, pull 1-5 pics and boom! You have a profile.

The people with SOME extra effort coursing through their bodies write a small bio, too.

Mine just has the following emojis: 💋🔥🏀🌴💟 Lost Angeles. Yay, Tinder!
So, par for the course. I don’t take Tinder seriously and as you may know, I’m using it mostly for research.
Then you have other dating sites like OKCupid or Plenty of Fish or eHarmony.
If you’re a new reader to my blog you’ll know that I try out many different sites, and stop, start or pause according to what’s going on with the auditions.
Right now I’m on Plenty of Fish (aka POF), Tinder and eHarmony.

It’s like the Goldilocks scale of online dating. Trying them all til you get one that’s juuuuust right.

For the reasons you can guess already by what I’ve shared in my communication preferences, you can imagine that eHarmony wins as far as receiving the more lengthy responses.
And in all my experiences with my eHarmony matches (they are selected for me through compatibility science and math formulas…I just can’t search their database), I’ve had pretty decent communication.

Most of them said more than “hi” but never went to the extent you’re about to get a taste of below!

To educate you a little further on the communication process on eHarmony (gee…do I work at a dating company, or what?), check this out.
eHarmony actually CREATED a multi step process to guide two matches through a lovely getting-to-know-you process. It’s called “Guided Communication” and starts you off with sending your match (or you receiving from them) 5 Quick Questions. A multiple choice kinda thing.
You exchange those suckers and then the next step is Makes or Breaks, a list of 10 things that you definitely want in a partner and 10 things that are deal breakers. Helpful.
Then it’s 3 open-ended questions called “Dig Deeper.” These are more tough. You have to actually think. Mr. Romeo sent me the freakin’ hardest questions!

1. Looking back at your life, describe one particular event that you wish you would have handled differently.
2. What was your longest relationship and why did it end?
3. What are 3 characteristics you have that I may find hard to deal with?
Well, GEEZ. That was hard! I definitely thought awhile before answering.

But I appreciated his real effort in getting to know me better so I answered them all and sent him back my answers and 3 similar questions that he answered.

Now we were at the final stage: Open Communication aka “eH Mail.”

This is where most other dating sites start you out but eH gets you there slower so you can bounce real quick if you come across too many red flags and don’t want to continue the conversation to email with a potential whack job.

So I send Mr. Romeo a nice, but brief, note that I’ve enjoyed getting to know him so far. I asked a few questions about something in his profile.

And this began the string of romantic and so well-written pieces of prose that I about lost my mind from anticipation each time a notification came through saying he’d written me.
Each note was like a book. Long, lengthy paragraphs. A BOOK compared to the nonsense of nothing’s the others would send me.

Out of respect for him, I won’t share our entire conversations. But outta respect for you, my faithful reader, I’m gonna give you some juicy stuff.

Well, more like romantical (my own word) sweet as honey, so good that Shakespeare is giving him the side eye cuz it’s that good kinda stuff.

Here’s some pieces of our exchanges:

“My Dearest (insert my name here),

The fire from your eyes seemed to greet me this morning and I would be lying if I did not admit that I have been carrying you with me as I go about my day. The inspiration that the look in your eyes alone can give has been breathtaking to behold. Thank you my young princess for adorning words of care and consideration for each word from you seems to warm my soul and leaves me wondering if these online connections can truly be real…”

“I am sitting here watching the Golden State Warriors game as I sip on a glass of pinot noir and I cannot help but think of your smile. I wonder how your laugh must lighten the load of a man and how your beautiful eyes must remove the burden of the world…your vivacious voice must sound like peace…”
Ok, ladies. Take a moment. Whew! (fans myself)

Gents. Take a note. Yes, you can watch the NBA Playoffs and still be Romeo.

Now. I’m not sure if every woman likes to receive such melt-worthy messages, but I’m gonna assume that the majority wouldn’t be mad if their man, or even a prospect of a man, came at them spitting this game.

With all this technology and devices and TV and entertainment and work and kids and life and cell phones and apps all around us 24/7, I think it’s an unbelievable gift to receive someone’s old school gesture of love letters.

There’s much more. He wrote me again yesterday another book, further answering my questions and in turn wanting to find out about how many siblings I have and what it was like to live on a farm, and telling me how amazing my parents must be to have raised such an amazing woman as myself.
I mean….
Game over.
Well, OK. Not so fast. I’m not dumb…lol. Not naive.

I knew this was so delicious to continue but I knew that I needed to hear his voice and move this to the phone. What if he sounds like Kermit or something?!

He doesn’t, thankfully, because after I expressed my desire that as much as I loved (LOVED) getting his well thought-out pieces of prose, we should exchange numbers.

He called me and we spoke and laughed and talked for 2 1/2 hours last night.

The next step is to meet IRL (in real life.) Next week sometime, at a wine bar he knows the owners of here in LA.

SO, folks. As I always say, I’m keeping an open mind. High hopes, low expectations. Who knows what will happen.

But in the meantime, I’m enjoying getting to know Mr. Romeo….Shakespeare’s protege.

He’s arrived, all right. In California.

Mr. Harvard showed up with such an impact and a quickness I haven’t experienced in a long time. It made me write something pretty profound which you can read here.

We met online, of course.  First – the standard few dinner dates. We were polite and followed all the rules. He was a gentleman. I was a lady. We exchanged questions about our jobs and funny childhood stories.

And then one night after another fabulous dinner date at a trendy spot in Los Angeles where you had to call ahead for reservations to snag one of just a few small tables, it happened.

I was done doing the polite stuff and wanted to put us in a “normal” environment. The wining and dining was nice but we were ready to progress to the next level.

So we ended up back at my place and talked and talked and cuddled and did everything except our plan to watch some Oscar screeners my co-worker let me borrow.

(For those of you not in show biz, “screeners” are the actual Oscar nominated movies on DVD that people who are in the show biz unions get to vote on.  Either way, it’s a privilege to get to see these movies when they aren’t yet out on DVD and some are still in theaters. But if you’ve been here more than 5 minutes, you most likely know someone who has a copy.)

By Sunday morning, the sun rose on a new day and also on a very new shift in our “relationship.” I use that word, although in air quotes, because between dinner on Friday and Sunday night we had spent the whole weekend together.

He cancelled a date he had planned with someone else that Saturday. (He admitted he never did that but wanted to spend it with me instead. We had had a major breakthrough and didn’t want it to end.)

I made a few phone calls/texts myself to “dead” other people I was seeing and you can read about that here.

We were excited and giddy and SO COMFORTABLE. It was so early, but SO COMFORTABLE.

We had gone from stiff and polite people who were dating, to weird and silly and vulnerable and honest and very REAL people that we are, which was easy and never contrived. We would laugh so hard and state into each other’s eyes even harder and just smile.

We were super touchy-feely all the time and that worked out well when I told him my top Love Language was “Physical Touch.” He was happy to oblige and he enjoyed the reciprocation from me.

Something like that is rare and hard to find with another.

I had found some of this with Mr. Vegas, but what was missing from him (ambition, career success, financial stability), Mr. Harvard brought in spades (an investor in real estate, a recent promotion as an engineer at his job, six-figure income). And a brand new Prius. Which made him lose points, actually…

Sorry. I can’t stand those ugly cars! Which I told him a few weeks later and it made him want to re-consider his purchase…lol. #granola

He was also almost the same age as me, a guy in his 30s who made me feel like I needed to step my game up, to get closer to HIS level, a welcome and refreshing change from many of the other people I’ve met over the years whose main mode of transportation came from riding the struggle bus. I sure am nowhere near owning an income property in another state…he made me aspire to do more!

For the next several weeks we saw each other a lot. During the week once or twice and then all weekends together.

It felt amazing to click with someone so well.

We did everything, too…

Fun stuff like a beach day in Malibu.

Furniture shopping for his new place he’d just moved into.

Playing basketball at the park and working out at my gym together.

And then we did some major “adulting,” like shopping at Target on a Sunday night because he needed paper towels and a lightbulb for his kitchen.

He had also connected his Bluetooth to my BMW for music and one day I was driving us to lunch and his best friend called. It was weird at first because I didn’t recognize the name that came up on my car’s dashboard. But then it clicked.

It was his roommate from Harvard, his bestie and long time friend who he’d told every detail to about this “amazing women he’s met” and then later would fill me in on their convo. (His friend was “Team Me.”)

But here’s the thing.

Everything we were doing felt like we were in a relationship already. Some of my friends said we basically were.

Only problem?

Mr. Harvard had just arrived to California about 4-5 months ago. He had moved from NYC and had taken a promotion and transferred here to the West Coast.

Ever since that first weekend where he “deaded” his other dates, he still made it clear that we weren’t exclusive but that he wanted us to get to know each other better.

Obviously. That was my plan, too.  It was so early – I still had to get to know this guy!

And I told him frequently that this wasn’t my style and that I was used to dating multiple people at once. If you read my blog, you know this is true.

It was different with him, though.

It was easy to ignore the offers from other guys because he and I were attracted to each other like magnets. He had come along and rocked my world and checked off so many things on my proverbial “list.”

But, we agreed we weren’t ready to “shut it all down” yet.

HOWEVER…

As we spent more and more time together, the conversations didn’t match the casual, take-it-slow vibe we had agreed on.

There was mentions from him about having kids together and how smart (and pretty) they’d be. Mostly in a somewhat jovial manner, but still. A serious topic to bring up so early. (He has no kids but very much wants to be a father some day.)

He invited himself to my upcoming bday trip in July to Maui. I just kinda laughed it off.

“We’re not even exclusively dating!” I said.

During a sweet romantic moment one night, he asked me if I had gotten my passport…he was thinking about taking me on a romantic getaway trip. (His passport is full of stamps…something I very much admired about him.)

He heard me take a call with my son, on Bluetooth in my car. Something VERY sacred for me to share, but he sat quietly listening and smiling as my son and I talked for about 20 minutes.

“Wow,” he said, after I hung up. “He sounds like such an amazing kid…”

Well, he is. 🙂

We also jumped on Zillow and started looking at what properties we could buy here in LA because if we pooled our rents together “we could afford something over $1 million.”

A lot of fun times.

A lot of fantasies.

And a lot of things that eventually made me go, “Hmmm…”

Last weekend we had plans to go to my very good friend’s new restaurant opening with a few of my other very close friends. I had initially invited Mr. Harvard out of excitement and because of the pace of things and the serious conversations we had had over the past few months, I felt it was time for him to meet my friends (something I hardly EVER do so early).

But as that week went on, he avoided my question several times about his plans on that Thursday pm before (he just said he wasn’t available that night) and I realized he had probably had a date.

We’d been brutally (and refreshingly) honest about the other people we were both talking to prior and/or if someone was trying to set something up. But this time he was avoiding me.

That, along with my jarring realization that we were spending relationship-quality time together, saying and doing relationship-quality things (mostly me hearing him live fantasies out loud that left me feeling confused), made me un-invite him to that special dinner and plans to go away for the weekend.

It was too much. And not right!

How could he say and do all those sweet things with me, but still want to meet someone else for a date?

Well, kids, that’s called dating without being exclusive. And it was exactly what he had told me he wanted from the beginning.

Why, you ask? Things were going so well!

I’d agree with you.

But Mr. Harvard had just arrived. He’d just arrived in California and wasn’t expecting to meet “someone like me” so soon after he’d gotten here.

He felt he needed to get more settled first and get into a groove at work still.

And he just wasn’t ready to “shut it all down” yet, which meant although he wasn’t out there in the streets hitting on everything that moved, he did want to have the option to window shop, and I guess, make a purchase if he wanted.

I pissed him off for cancelling our weekend plans last minute.

He pissed me off because he didn’t return my call to hear me at least explain why I was falling back.

Eventually we connected on the phone a few days later. We hashed it out.

He stood firm on how he wasn’t ready to date me exclusively because he’d just arrived, and I stood firm on that I don’t wait for people to just figure it out if they want to be with me, while filling my head with fantasies of everything I’d dreamed of in a partner.

At the end of the day, our timing was off.

He’d arrived, all right. But instead of taking residence in my heart, he chose to keep me at arm’s distance and only arrive in California.

I don’t know what will happen with him.

My friends think he’s an idiot for letting me go.  I partially think he’s scared.

Either way, it makes me sad. I feel rejected in a way, but relieved in another.

As my good friend told me afterwards, “Your right partner will show up ready. Just as you are ready for him.”

Dead it.

For the first time in a long time, I’m cutting people off.

When I hear from people who are just getting into the dating scene one of the most common things they tell me is that they’re not sure how they could date more than one person at a time.
Apparently I’ve become a pro at this and over the years of being single have sort of mastered this idea of dating multiple people at once. (But that definitely doesn’t mean that I’m sleeping with multiple people!)

The idea of dating several people at once is to get a clearer idea of who might be a great fit for you or not. You need time and experiences for that.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” kinda thing. And since dating is partly a numbers game, this strategy makes sense.

Well, until you find a really, really good egg that makes you want to switch things up for a minute.

MAJOR SWITCH-UP ALERT!

I’m about to pull something I haven’t done in probably 5 years…

After an amazing weekend spent with Mr. Harvard (of which I shall need more time to process and write about), I had two guys who have known me for years (and who want to date me now) ask to see me.

These are the responses I gave today (I’m in blue):

This guy above met me when I first moved to Los Angeles 9 years ago. He’s a bank executive AND a fitness model with a six-pack of deliciousness, but he’s pretty terrible at picking up the phone and asking me out for real (this back and forth of “when are we meeting up for coffee?” has been going on for weeks). Next!

This one above is actually The Architect! He’s back for more and wants to build me a house and share our lives together. Sadly, Mr. Harvard and I just met and as you can tell by my super rare response to these fine gentlemen above, it ain’t looking good on any new construction anytime soon.

And I’m not the only one who feels this way! Mr. Harvard told me after Date #3 last Friday that he was about to dead the two other people he’d been seeing.

Ummm, excuse me? “Dead?”

Naturally, I asked what that meant. It’s the following:

Based on our immediate connection and the fireworks show and all that for the last month or so, we ended up on the same page pretty quickly.

So here I am “deading” two guys I was about to consider dating again until Mr. Harvard came in and shook  s%*# up!

Now, you may be saying to yourself “It’s too early to cut other people off!”

You might be right.

But then again, I might be right, too…!

Guess we’ll see. 🙂

Could it be the beginning of the end???

It’s been almost two months since we met. 

And before we knew it, we went from strangers to soul ties and never stopped to ask for directions along the way. Talking and vibing and making grand plans. Holding eye contact for the longest not to look at our faces but to really see each other. Like from some Avatar “I see you” kinda stuff. The reciprocation was felt in his eyes and the feeling was far more than just attraction. 

You see, the road to love is paved with hurdles and road bumps and detours and unnecessary traffic jams. Or maybe it’s actually necessary traffic because it sure helped to recognize this one special driver when a certainly special algorithm introduced us. 

And for the first time in a long time I didn’t stop to question it or hold back or wait because, I knew. I just knew.  

He’d arrived.  

Mr. Vegas – Part II

(If you haven’t read Part I, go there now.)

I opened the door to the hotel room and we both smiled and probably squealed a bit and hugged right there in the door.  He was there! I was there!

It has been months since we’d last seen each other.

I felt nervous and excited and SO happy to see him.  It was clear he felt the same, too.

Our chemistry and the way we interact was always cute and flirtacious and there was no reason for it to have changed.  He smacked my butt while I made us drinks and found music to set the mood.  He got his things settled in the room and my nerves started to relax a bit.

We made conversation about normal stuff.  He buzzed about the room and I made him show me all the outfits he packed (even though we both knew it was going to be just for a few overnight hours…but he was always prepared with multiple clothes and boots, shoes, belts, matching socks, etc…too cute).

It felt amazing to lay in his arms again.

A few hours later, it was about 11pm and we were hungry so we went to the only restaurant open – IHOP.  It made me laugh because the last meal we had shared before this was at the Bel Air Jazz Club in Los Angeles.  I appreciated what we both had in common – the ability to go from fancy to, well, IHOP, and have just as good a time at both.

We sat on the same side of the booth and we shared stories about our childhoods and we caught up about things in our lives that we hadn’t had a chance to speak about in detail.  We laughed at the only other couple in the place (they were in their 70s) and how they BOTH were on their phones and one on a tablet, not speaking to each other.

We made the observation that we could never be like that and I hoped my partner and I could always have something to talk about.  Like me and Mr. Vegas always did.

During dinner the thought crossed my mind that he’d be leaving in the AM, but I quickly brushed it away.  I wanted to enjoy every moment I had with him.

Morning came sooner than I wanted it to and we woke up cuddling.

I felt safe and warm.

And then it happened.

My walls started coming down.

Ever so weary of the time crunch, emotions rushed to the front of my mind and my heart started breaking open.

My mind started reeling about how much I cared for this guy who I was going to have to let go of and possibly never see again.

As he held me, I began to lose it.

The tears started streaming down my face.

I did my best to be quiet about it and as I was laying on his chest, I kept my head tucked underneath his chin.

But he heard me.

“Blu…” he called me.

(“Blu” is his nickname he gave me when he first saw my blue eyes almost six months before.)

“Don’t cry, Blu…” he said, as he pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head.

He knew this part was going to be tough for him, too.  And before he could say anything more, my floodgates poured open.

I couldn’t help it and within thirty seconds I was full-on sobbing in his arms and sputtering to get out what I’d kept buried deep inside of me for months.

“I fucked up.  It’s all my fault.  This is my fault!  I should have said something to you earlier!” I sob as I lay on his chest, him holding me closer.

“No, Blu,” he said.  “It’s both our fault.  It was just poor communication.”

I cry and cry and continue on…

“You’re so amazing.  You’ve been nothing but good to me.  We’ve had such wonderful times together.  And (insert my son’s name) loves you.  And now you’re leaving…”

More sobbing.

More consoling.

“Sshh…it’s ok…” he tries to calm me down.

The feeling I was feeling hasn’t been that intense in I don’t know when.  Maybe never.

It wasn’t a break up kind of pain, where there’s anger and resentment and hurt.

No, this was different. This was my heart literally breaking.  The feeling that for the first time in a LONG time, real and true feelings and emotions for a man I’d met online, dated and had juuuust about started to take form of a real relationship had grown to be what they were.

And I was going to lose him.

My mind couldn’t stop flashing back to all of the memories we had made – the laughter, the love, the joy.

And then I remembered that day in church.

“But I PRAYED for you!” I continue to lose it. “I asked God to show me who it was and you showed up the next day.  And because I didn’t realize it until it was too late…now this?”

He pulls me close and kisses the top of my head again.

“Don’t cry, Blu.  It hurts me when you cry,” he said.

I don’t really recall what happened next.

There was no point in trying to figure anything more out, though.  His decision was already made.  He was moving to New Orleans.

I was crying more out of frustration and sadness than anything else.  I guess I hadn’t really realized the true impact of what I was feeling but as strong of a woman as I am (and one who can seriously keep emotions like this in check), I had no control over what was happening.  So I surrendered.

He held me and I cried, calming down from sobs to more calm sniffles and then basic, simple tears.

I told him that I didn’t want him to think I was trying to get him to change his mind and that I was just upset, and he told me how much he appreciated me letting him be the parent he needed to be for his daughter.

I couldn’t argue with that.

“You’re going to meet a great man, Blu.  Someone you deserve.  He’ll be allllmost as amazing as me.  Not quite, but a close 2nd,” he chuckles.  “I want you to be happy.”

I just smile and shake my head.

“You’re going to come see me, right? You’ll visit?” he asked.

“No.  I can’t do the long distance thing, you know that.  It was hard enough with Vegas and LA.” I said.

“Well, this isn’t he last time we’re going to see each other.  I know it’s not,” he tells me.

Eventually I calmed down.  Some time had really passed.  Still in his arms, he told me he was sorry but he had soccer clients he had to get back to for coaching sessions.

I told him I’d be fine, to just go. I’d be ok.

I look up at him with my tear-drenched face.  My eyes were bloodshot and my nose was running beyond belief.  He looks down at me.

“I love you, Kerianne.” He said.

“I love you, too.” I said, and he kisses me.

It was the first time I had said those words to anyone in over 7 years.

At that moment we were both on the very same page.  We both shared the understanding of what was.

It sucked.  It was painful. And so real.  There was love there, but as the cliche goes – if you love somebody, let them go.

He held me a bit longer and I realized his strength during this whole thing.

“Why aren’t you crying? Are you upset? I feel like an idiot here,” I told him.

He pulls me in for a close squeeze and told me he was trying to be strong.  He was holding it together for me.

“I’ll probably lose it as soon as I get to my car…”

A few minutes later, he got up and started gathering his things.  I stayed almost paralyzed in bed.  Tears started to flow again as I silently came to terms that the hours we had left were now turning into minutes.

Wiping my snotty nose on the crispy white sheets, I tried to pull it together to say goodbye.

He kissed me and we said a few simple parting words.

“I don’t regret doing this,” he said.

“Me either. I’m so glad we got to see each other,” I said.  “Drive safe.  Let me know you’re home ok.”

And then he left.

I jumped out of bed, wrapped in the sheets, to stand by the window overlooking the parking lot. I watched him walk to his car.

It’s funny how you only treasure those moments when you know it might be the last time you ever see somebody in person.

His car didn’t move for 10 minutes.

He sent me a text, though, saying something sweet.

Later I asked if he cried when he got to his car and he said “yes.”

Such a bittersweet thing to know, but at least I wasn’t alone in my feelings.

The 2-hr drive back to Los Angeles was difficult for me.  It gave me a lot of time to process our goodbye.  I called my best friend, James, and filled him in on the details. As always, he listened to my story and gave sound advice that Mr. Vegas wasn’t my guy for several reasons.

As tough as it was to deal with, the experience was necessary (and a gift) to have.

It’s been a month since we’ve last seen each other.  We still talk often.

He left Vegas arrived in New Orleans yesterday and I called him several times during his long road trip to keep him awake during the late hours on the road.  We’re friends.  We love each other and we want the best for the other.

I learned so much from my experience with Mr. Vegas…

I learned to not be so harsh with my expectations of finding “my perfect man” and to recognize the important difference between ambition and passion and working towards something, versus money in the bank and a lack of deep connection.

I learned that my heart didn’t dry up on me during this seemingly long period where I hadn’t connected with someone on such a deep emotional level.  I’ve always had a big heart and at times I’d wonder if I was doing something wrong by not falling for other guys I had met.  But being with Mr. Vegas reminded me of the huge capacity I have to love someone – and how amazing I know it’ll feel when I meet the man who’ll get my WHOLE heart, and reciprocate the same amount of love back to me.

Maybe we’ll re-connect in a year when he plans to move back. Or maybe not, because I’ll have found the perfect guy for me that he predicted I would. Who knows. I’m open to whatever the big man upstairs has in store for me.

And as always, I continue to learn patience while I go through this “Sex & The City” life of a woman who’s single and dating that I’ve built here in Los Angeles.

And so…the shenanigans continue.

In the meantime…

Thanks for reading. Thanks for allowing me to share real, authentic stories with you. You are so appreciated. xoxo