I’m Frozen

Recently, I’ve been frozen. Very un-like me.

Not literally, but frozen.

Not because of the cold temperatures of the winter holiday season, or from the shock of 2017’s rollercoaster ride.

But nothing moves.

In between the usual dinners, outings, friends gatherings, airport pickups and dropoffs and driving to and fro in Los Angeles, there are so many frozen moments at home.

I want to nap all day. I want to sit in stillness. I binge Netflix in the cozy comfort of my warm recliner and cashmere blanket. These are things I never do.

I swipe right on Tinder. I scroll through the ‘Gram. I check my emails.

Clearing red notifications on FB without really reading, I take part but don’t engage.

I pass the time, but I’m frozen.

Like a lion waiting to pounce on its prey in the African safari. I’m waiting. And watching…

You see, I’ve learned who I am.

In my 37 years here so far, every time I’m about to do some epic shit, I freeze.

I don’t move physically but my brain….oh, my brain.

It’s running a marathon. Fighting a battle between love and fear.

And my heart….oh, my heart.

Screaming in whispers to take bigger leaps. To trust it and jump without a net. And to maybe…be the example of a net for others.

I’m frozen because I’m resisting. HARD.

Resisting the scale of what epic in my life could really look like if I played “full send,” as my son would say.

So I’ll take these last few days of the year and stay frozen.

Because, I see you, 2018. In every area of life – you’re mine.


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